Holiday swoon

Maybe it's the holidays or maybe it's the conversations we've had lately but I can't get Liz out of my mind.

Another beginning

I asked Caren to move in with me last week.

I've been back-and-forth with this decision for some time now but, in the end, knew that the only way I'd know if this is the relationship for me is to go all in.

It's been six plus years since I lived with anyone because I've also harbored the hope that Liz would come want me again. I watched one relationship wither because of that hope and finally admitted to myself that it will never happen.

Liz came into my office yesterday and, during a long pause in the conversation, tipped her coffee mug at me and timidly said, 'congratulations.' I don't know why, but I looked away and babbled incohertently. I wonder if it bothers her that I'm living with someone as it bothered me when she moved Pam in ... not that it really matters.

So ready or not, I'm fully committed to a woman who unquestionably loves me, who's good to me and who I love, as well.

Is this going to be the one that lasts? I don't know but this is the first big step to answering that question.

Still waters

I've been practicing Buddhism for over a year now. I say 'practicing' because it's a constant challenge to remember the principles of cherishing others ... especially a few.

I mean, really, if I had it all down I'd be a Buddah and that's not likely to happen.

But aside from the teachings, readings and meditation, one simple exercise has helped me deal with the delusions of attachments:

I visualize my mind is a calm body of water ... no ripples and no waves.

Whenever I get rattled by a stressful day or painful memory, I close my eyes and go to this peaceful place and visually still the 'ripples' of my mind.

Now when I'm running by the Trinity River and the water is still, I smile and know what that's like.

Not fade away

Today, from my office window, I watched Liz cross the street and came to the realization that finally, after six years, the memories of our relationship are starting to fade.

It wasn't a tearful moment nor was it was followed by celebration. It was simply a moment of clarity passing gently from my heart to my mind.

The funeral

I'm not looking forward to this.

Ssying goodbye to a man who has been a part of my life for more years than I can count, accepted me as one of his own and trusted me with the love of his 'la reina chula'. A man who always ended our time together with a warm embrace and a 'God bless you, Sarah.'

It's heartbreaking not being able to sit by Liz's side while she says goodbye to her daddy. Another woman will be there, holding her hand and giving her strength. Another woman will wipe away her tears. Another woman will feel her love and gratitude. Another woman will take her position with the family.

But I was there when her mother died and I was there when her father died and the other woman can't say that. Maybe I wasn't the one she called first but I was the one who held her first ... and I'd rather have that.

So tomorrow when my tears fall, I'll be mourning not only the death of a great man but the sorrow of being on the outside looking in ... and hoping some day ... still.

this is how it feels

to be happy.

Long distance

After much talking, tears and support, Caren applied for a Corps of Engineers job in Galveston ... about a 4 hour drive from here. Her parents are long-time government employees and apparantly that helps get your foot in the door.

Nothing to get upset about now. We'll see where it goes. But I'm very proud that she is making decisions based on her life and not mine.