Today has been the hardest in a long time.
I'm on the verge of being angry with her for not being able to get past her fear and sadness because we aren't talking. It's just too damn painful.
Maybe it's because I'm close to buying a house. Seller accepted my offer, inspection was today and I'm getting that oh-my-God-I'm-really-moving-on feeling. And I remember 13 years ago when Liz and I bought our house.
How we slept on the floor the night before the movers came. How we had candles and wine and toasted our future. Sweet. We were that sickening couple who always got along, always were together, always were in love. Till death do us part.
Feels like death. Feels like I'm dead inside right now. Should be excited but I'm not. Just fucking sad.
This is going to be one rocky night.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Riding the wave
Some days I actually think I'm going to be happy.
Some days I can't get Liz off my mind. (she made her myspace page private and that, of course, drives me nuts)
Some days I think I'm getting stronger. I've lost about 10 pounds and am trying to get my life and body back on track.
But I'm very aware of how much I miss Liz. Her friendship. Her laughter. Her. Then I remember how hard it was for her to let go with me and how she wasn't able to give me what I needed. That usually does the trick.
Caren has been hanging around. I've had to tell her several times not to push. That I'm not looking for a fullblown relationship with anyone at this moment. That she's still 27 and I still have issues with that.
But she's been sweet and nurturing and loving and it's been nice to have that kind of friend. Especially one with benefits.
Some days I can't get Liz off my mind. (she made her myspace page private and that, of course, drives me nuts)
Some days I think I'm getting stronger. I've lost about 10 pounds and am trying to get my life and body back on track.
But I'm very aware of how much I miss Liz. Her friendship. Her laughter. Her. Then I remember how hard it was for her to let go with me and how she wasn't able to give me what I needed. That usually does the trick.
Caren has been hanging around. I've had to tell her several times not to push. That I'm not looking for a fullblown relationship with anyone at this moment. That she's still 27 and I still have issues with that.
But she's been sweet and nurturing and loving and it's been nice to have that kind of friend. Especially one with benefits.
Friday, October 19, 2007
A bitter pill
I made the call. I asked the question. She answered. I heard it loud and clear.
Work has been emotionally brutal. Liz and I steal glances and painful, polite smiles with each other. After holding it together (for the most part) for much of the day, I let it go once I get into my car and the short drive home.
This time the tears continued well into the night. So I called Brenda and asked her 'what am I doing wrong?" She asked it I really wanted to hear it and I said yes. And she said, 'stop me at any time.'
Said it's time for me to pick my chin up and quit moping around. That I'm letting Liz have too much power over me. She's tired of seeing me following her around like a lovesick puppy just waiting for her to pay attention to me. "She gives you crumbs and you turn it into a banquet."
"After her job, her new friends, running, family and NAHJ, where do you fall?" I know the answer to that ... dead last. "She's changed. The new Liz doesn't want to be reminded of the old Liz and you and I are reminders of who she used to be. That's why she doesn't call me and is terrified of being closer to you." Brenda and Liz have been friends for over 20 years.
She said that I'm funny, sexy, attractive, kind, gentle and loving and that I'm a great catch. I can have anyone I want but I have to stop moping around. "You don't have to settle. You don't have to try to make someone see you and love you. You just have to be happy with yourself and do things for yourself and it will come."
Some of this was hard to hear but it made an impact. I woke up the next morning knowing that I hadn't cried all night. Woke up with a pit bull's head across my chest and I laughed. The last few days have been better.
Thank you, Brenda.
Work has been emotionally brutal. Liz and I steal glances and painful, polite smiles with each other. After holding it together (for the most part) for much of the day, I let it go once I get into my car and the short drive home.
This time the tears continued well into the night. So I called Brenda and asked her 'what am I doing wrong?" She asked it I really wanted to hear it and I said yes. And she said, 'stop me at any time.'
Said it's time for me to pick my chin up and quit moping around. That I'm letting Liz have too much power over me. She's tired of seeing me following her around like a lovesick puppy just waiting for her to pay attention to me. "She gives you crumbs and you turn it into a banquet."
"After her job, her new friends, running, family and NAHJ, where do you fall?" I know the answer to that ... dead last. "She's changed. The new Liz doesn't want to be reminded of the old Liz and you and I are reminders of who she used to be. That's why she doesn't call me and is terrified of being closer to you." Brenda and Liz have been friends for over 20 years.
She said that I'm funny, sexy, attractive, kind, gentle and loving and that I'm a great catch. I can have anyone I want but I have to stop moping around. "You don't have to settle. You don't have to try to make someone see you and love you. You just have to be happy with yourself and do things for yourself and it will come."
Some of this was hard to hear but it made an impact. I woke up the next morning knowing that I hadn't cried all night. Woke up with a pit bull's head across my chest and I laughed. The last few days have been better.
Thank you, Brenda.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Moving on
It comes and goes. I feel the sadness growing inside me with no triggers at all. Then it leaves.
This will be slow. Needs to be. Surprisingly I haven't had those feelings of 'oh my God, what did I do.' I haven't second-guessed my decision.
I'm not settling for anything less than adoration, attention and affection. Not at 52. Shouldn't have at 22, but we get into a pattern of thinking we can live with something less than what we want.
That didn't work for Liz and I. Didn't work for Kate and I. Won't work for (fill in the blank) and I. I can compromise on the number of animals, where we live, how to divide the chores, etc,, etc. but I won't compromise on how I need and want to be loved.
This will be slow. Needs to be. Surprisingly I haven't had those feelings of 'oh my God, what did I do.' I haven't second-guessed my decision.
I'm not settling for anything less than adoration, attention and affection. Not at 52. Shouldn't have at 22, but we get into a pattern of thinking we can live with something less than what we want.
That didn't work for Liz and I. Didn't work for Kate and I. Won't work for (fill in the blank) and I. I can compromise on the number of animals, where we live, how to divide the chores, etc,, etc. but I won't compromise on how I need and want to be loved.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
End of a dream
For 4 years I dreamed of having this chance. I regretted leaving Liz. Regretted hooking up with Kate. She regretted hooking up with Pam.
And always there was a pull toward one another. What was it? It was always the elephant in the room ... neither of us could fully commit to another but wouldn't admit the reason. Couldn't or wouldn't, at this point I don't know which one.
So we find ourselves single again. Could we erase the past 4 years? Should we try to figure out what was between us? Of course we should. We had to. It was so very strong and could no longer be ignored.
It was awkward from the beginning and I think we both knew this was not going to go the way we thought it would. But we still fought on. We weren't willing to give up. It had been 4 years of what-if's that needed to be put to rest.
But something wasn't quite right. Not the love. God, no, we have so much of that for one another. I never felt secure and that's so hard for me to say. Liz was my security for 13 years. But she had a new life with new friends and new passion.
And the passion wasn't for me.
We tried in Mexico. Made love several times. Were very affectionate with one another. And that felt good. But every now and then, she left. I could see it. Brenda and Deb could see it. She denied it but Liz has never been a good liar.
We talked before she went to Washington for a conference. This wasn't working for me. I needed to feel like I was moving toward something. I want a partner in every sense of the word.
She didn't call me while she was away. And I think that's what opened my eyes.
It was over.
When she came home, we had that talk. She didn't think she was good for me right now. She doesn't know what's wrong with her. She freezes when she thinks of going forward with me. She didn't want to hurt me. Can't imagine her life without me.
I told her it was time for me to find someone who wanted to be my partner. And that was so hard to say. This was the end of the dream. I have never seen anyone but Liz at the end of my life. And now it was over.
The past few days have been hard. We don't talk at work (yes, another ex at work. just shoot me) but not out of anger. It's because we're both on the verge of tears and neither of us want to do that in such a public place. And we really don't know what to say.
And always there was a pull toward one another. What was it? It was always the elephant in the room ... neither of us could fully commit to another but wouldn't admit the reason. Couldn't or wouldn't, at this point I don't know which one.
So we find ourselves single again. Could we erase the past 4 years? Should we try to figure out what was between us? Of course we should. We had to. It was so very strong and could no longer be ignored.
It was awkward from the beginning and I think we both knew this was not going to go the way we thought it would. But we still fought on. We weren't willing to give up. It had been 4 years of what-if's that needed to be put to rest.
But something wasn't quite right. Not the love. God, no, we have so much of that for one another. I never felt secure and that's so hard for me to say. Liz was my security for 13 years. But she had a new life with new friends and new passion.
And the passion wasn't for me.
We tried in Mexico. Made love several times. Were very affectionate with one another. And that felt good. But every now and then, she left. I could see it. Brenda and Deb could see it. She denied it but Liz has never been a good liar.
We talked before she went to Washington for a conference. This wasn't working for me. I needed to feel like I was moving toward something. I want a partner in every sense of the word.
She didn't call me while she was away. And I think that's what opened my eyes.
It was over.
When she came home, we had that talk. She didn't think she was good for me right now. She doesn't know what's wrong with her. She freezes when she thinks of going forward with me. She didn't want to hurt me. Can't imagine her life without me.
I told her it was time for me to find someone who wanted to be my partner. And that was so hard to say. This was the end of the dream. I have never seen anyone but Liz at the end of my life. And now it was over.
The past few days have been hard. We don't talk at work (yes, another ex at work. just shoot me) but not out of anger. It's because we're both on the verge of tears and neither of us want to do that in such a public place. And we really don't know what to say.
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