I made the call. I asked the question. She answered. I heard it loud and clear.
Work has been emotionally brutal. Liz and I steal glances and painful, polite smiles with each other. After holding it together (for the most part) for much of the day, I let it go once I get into my car and the short drive home.
This time the tears continued well into the night. So I called Brenda and asked her 'what am I doing wrong?" She asked it I really wanted to hear it and I said yes. And she said, 'stop me at any time.'
Said it's time for me to pick my chin up and quit moping around. That I'm letting Liz have too much power over me. She's tired of seeing me following her around like a lovesick puppy just waiting for her to pay attention to me. "She gives you crumbs and you turn it into a banquet."
"After her job, her new friends, running, family and NAHJ, where do you fall?" I know the answer to that ... dead last. "She's changed. The new Liz doesn't want to be reminded of the old Liz and you and I are reminders of who she used to be. That's why she doesn't call me and is terrified of being closer to you." Brenda and Liz have been friends for over 20 years.
She said that I'm funny, sexy, attractive, kind, gentle and loving and that I'm a great catch. I can have anyone I want but I have to stop moping around. "You don't have to settle. You don't have to try to make someone see you and love you. You just have to be happy with yourself and do things for yourself and it will come."
Some of this was hard to hear but it made an impact. I woke up the next morning knowing that I hadn't cried all night. Woke up with a pit bull's head across my chest and I laughed. The last few days have been better.
Thank you, Brenda.
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2 comments:
brenda sounds like an amazingly wise and loving friend.
"you just have to be happy with yourself"..that's the trick isn't it.
i've struggled with that for my whole life and just now am slowly making some progress .
what's really helped me is a book called "Teachings on Love" by Thich Nhat Hanh. it's kind of heady but it really is speaking to my soul..especially about self-love...and attaining inner peace regardless of what is going on around you.
sending you love from the east
w
I'm continually looking for contentment through others. Now I understand it's up to me to define my own contentment and, yes, that's the trick. And one I've struggled with, as well. You are a special woman, Wendy.
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