It's Christmas Day.
Caren was at my house last night when I got home from my family celebration. She had made a traditional German holiday drink with red wine, cinnamon, fruit and rum. We opened our presents to one another, laughed at Zak's new football jersey and went to a candlelight church service.
She is spending today with her family and I'm working the night shift. I volunteered to work so my 1A designer could go to Minnesota with his wife. Honestly, I just didn't want to sit at home.
I've been thinking about Liz so much today. I had an internal battle with myself yesterday of whether to wish her a Merry Christmas but I couldn't do it. Wouldn't do it. I've spent time today letting myself remember Christmas past, letting the tears flow and the sadness pour over me.
Whatever we've been doing the past four years ... trying to be friends, trying to be lovers, trying to understand the differences ... hasn't worked. I can't have her in my life anymore and really move forward. It hasn't worked. Everytime I think I'm stronger or can resist feeling the pull, I look into those deep, brown eyes and fall under her spell. Can't even go to her circle30 blog anymore.
Maybe this is about me now. And maybe one of these days I'll realize it's OK for it to be about me. I have to accept that she doesn't feel the same and that's it's not good for me to think it can change. It won't. Ever.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
yup sarah.
i think it is time that it is
about you.
there is a difference between being self indulgent (which i think we are all afraid of being)
and practicing self-care and self-nourishing and self-love which we have to find a way to do or we're screwed..
merry christmas to you.
peace darlin'
Post a Comment