This too shall pass

It's been a hard couple of days.

Been thinking about Liz alot. I miss her. Deb is having a birthday party of Brenda this weekend and she asked if I would come if Liz was there.

No.

She wasn't invited but Deb said 'you guys are going to have to get over this. You have the same friends and you're making us choose.'

No.

The choice is simple: Invite us both, let me know and I will always choose not to be there.

So that stayed on my mind much longer than it should. Then I got a call from our former mortgage company who wanted to get my address to send the final escrow check. And of course that added to it.

Sometimes I can't believe I have my own house and I live there without Liz. That she has never kissed me in it or cooked with me or watched TV with me.

And then there's Caren. She's stayed with me every night for the past two weeks. We had a talk last night and I told her that, although I love her being with me, it's too soon for us to spend this much time together.

I want the excitement of dating.
Meeting for a drink after work.
Being picked up for a date.
Spending the weekend together.

I don't want us to lapse into a routine and it's evident that we are in one. Or close to it. I need some alone time in my house, getting comfortable and making my own happiness. Don't want to hold onto to her when I'm sad about Liz. If I wake in the middle of the night and find that I want to cry about what's lost, I want to do so without using the pillow to muffle the sounds.

I'm scared that no matter how happy I become or how successful I am in forgiving myself and living in the present, there will always be a void ... and it will be Liz.