this is how it feels

to be happy.

Long distance

After much talking, tears and support, Caren applied for a Corps of Engineers job in Galveston ... about a 4 hour drive from here. Her parents are long-time government employees and apparantly that helps get your foot in the door.

Nothing to get upset about now. We'll see where it goes. But I'm very proud that she is making decisions based on her life and not mine.

Elusive yet attainable

I've re-read the last post about Caren probably 50 times since I wrote it a little over a month ago. And I'd like to say the relationship continues to soar toward the next step in our journey. But I can't.

The truth is I fear we've reached as far as we're going to go. And that's what we've been grappling with for a few weeks now. Both of us.

Caren is still not working. I still carry the financial burden in the relationship and that's not something I'm comfortable doing.

She is loving school and is doing so well. I know one day she'll find her true calling but it's at least a year away. I put too much pressure on her, she says.

I'm sure I do.

You don't look at life the same at 53 as you did at 28. My professional life is reaching the end; hers is trying to start. We find ourselves not having anything to talk about outside of our feelings, which we do so well. Better than I have done with anyone. But her experience pool is shallow; mine is not.

I no longer have the confidence that this is the one for me. But it is the one who has helped me open my heart again, and for that, I will be forever grateful.