End of a dream

For 4 years I dreamed of having this chance. I regretted leaving Liz. Regretted hooking up with Kate. She regretted hooking up with Pam.

And always there was a pull toward one another. What was it? It was always the elephant in the room ... neither of us could fully commit to another but wouldn't admit the reason. Couldn't or wouldn't, at this point I don't know which one.

So we find ourselves single again. Could we erase the past 4 years? Should we try to figure out what was between us? Of course we should. We had to. It was so very strong and could no longer be ignored.

It was awkward from the beginning and I think we both knew this was not going to go the way we thought it would. But we still fought on. We weren't willing to give up. It had been 4 years of what-if's that needed to be put to rest.

But something wasn't quite right. Not the love. God, no, we have so much of that for one another. I never felt secure and that's so hard for me to say. Liz was my security for 13 years. But she had a new life with new friends and new passion.

And the passion wasn't for me.

We tried in Mexico. Made love several times. Were very affectionate with one another. And that felt good. But every now and then, she left. I could see it. Brenda and Deb could see it. She denied it but Liz has never been a good liar.

We talked before she went to Washington for a conference. This wasn't working for me. I needed to feel like I was moving toward something. I want a partner in every sense of the word.
She didn't call me while she was away. And I think that's what opened my eyes.

It was over.

When she came home, we had that talk. She didn't think she was good for me right now. She doesn't know what's wrong with her. She freezes when she thinks of going forward with me. She didn't want to hurt me. Can't imagine her life without me.

I told her it was time for me to find someone who wanted to be my partner. And that was so hard to say. This was the end of the dream. I have never seen anyone but Liz at the end of my life. And now it was over.

The past few days have been hard. We don't talk at work (yes, another ex at work. just shoot me) but not out of anger. It's because we're both on the verge of tears and neither of us want to do that in such a public place. And we really don't know what to say.