The L Word

Showtime's 'The L Word' has caused many butt-squirming moments for me this season.

Bette and Tina broke up last season.
Tina was with a man.
Bette was with a woman.

But this season, they found their way back to each other and it's caused some very uncomfortable Sunday nights on my couch.

Caren has been visibly shaken by the storyline and I've done everything I can to keep her from seeing the tears in my eyes.

It was this line spoken by Bette as she broke up with Jodie to be with Tina that really hit home:

"There has been something missing for me. Something that is hard to define. And I have been desperately trying to create this thing... But I have been just flailing. And I realize now that you and I were never going to find it...Because I have it with someone else."

I wonder if Liz is watching it, too?

Inspiration

So I know this is about 2 years old but it's the first time I've seen it.
And it gave me chills.

Realization

Caren is moving back in with her parents until she gets out of school. She has a journalism degree but is getting another one in international business.

And the job she's applying for, and probably will get, is M-Th, 2-10p.m.

I support what she's doing. She isn't making any money now, her dad is paying her expenses and her rent is $500/mo. If I was her dad, I'd suggest she move back home, too.

What does this mean for us?

Not a lot of good.
Not a lot of bad.
Just a bunch of unknowns.

We won't be seeing as much of each other. We decided that she'd stay with me Friday-Sunday. She won't be living around the corner ... she's moving about 30 minutes away. And working in Dallas, which is 40 minutes away.

Not exactly 'meet me for a beer after work' neighborhood.

This will be challenging for us. And I can't say that I'm positive that it will turn out OK.

I love Caren. She loves me. But I really wish I was with someone who already was knee-deep in their career, worked the same hours as me and had nearly the same earning power as I do. I want a relationship that is moving toward cohabitating. Caren and I won't live together until she gets out of school and starts to make money. That's over a year from now.

I don't know if I can wait that long.

I can't

stop thinking.
about.
liz.

oh, god.
please stop this.

hasn't it been long enough?
don't i know the answer?
what is the lesson?
haven 't i hurt(her.me.us) enough?

i.
love.
you.
so.
much.

live in today.
live in today.
live in today.
live.

Rainy days and Tuesdays?

Caren has been staying with me for nearly two weeks. We took a one night break last week but then I took Wednesday-Friday off to attempt to complete my kitchen. She's asleep in my bed now with Zak by her side.

I'm in my office watching the steady rain fall. I love to watch the rain. Love to sleep with it falling on the deck outside my room. Last night, we slept with the window slightly open so it would lull us to sleep. It's tempting to go back to bed for another hour ... the sky is dark and the rain is heavy.

I've been thinking about Liz again lately. Missing her, really. I wonder if she feels the same? My counselor told me something must of happened in my past that resulted in me having a hard time letting go. I think she's full of it.

I think what happened in this case is that I fell in love 17 years ago. And I screwed it up time and time again. I had several chances to change the course of our relationship in the past four years and I couldn't pull the trigger. So here I am now, caught in this web of longing, wishful thinking, memories and guilt.

If I hadn't begun to concentrate on living in the present, these kind of thoughts would send me into a tailspin. But today I'm able to think about it, let it wash whatever feeling it elicits over me, and go on.

I'm not perfect.
I make mistakes.
I made a huge one that cost me the love of my life.
I learned.
And I love once more.

Zak

Caren took this video Thursday when it snowed.

By the way, it was 80 degrees today.

$5500

The governor of New York has been accused of being involved in a prostitution ring. The Web site of the ring, Emperors Club VIP, displays photographs of scantily clad women with their faces hidden. It also shows hourly rates depending on whether the prostitutes were rated with one diamond, the lowest ranking, or seven diamonds, the highest. The most highly ranked prostitutes cost $5,500 an hour, prosecutors said.

Wonder what the soon-to-be-ex-governor's soon-to-be-ex-wife is more pissed at? The embarrassment of her husband getting caught with a hooker or the thought of him spending $5,500 an hour for a little sump'in, sump'in?

Now I've seen some porn in my life. And I have read many books with hot sex scenes. And I have a very vivid imagination.

But, for the life of me, what sex acts could be worth $5,500 an hour?

Damn, I've been giving it away for all these years ...

Texas drivers

While I can certainly understand how days and days and days and days of gloomy skies and snow can affect a person's mood, it isn't all sunshine and blue skies here in the United State of Bubbaland.

Sunday, I was wearing shorts. Yesterday, I watched snowflakes as big as minivans fall to the street below my third floor office. This is where it's fun.

Texans don't know how to drive in this stuff. We don't have snow tires. Nor much of a street crew to put sand and/or salt on the roads. And it wouldn't really help anyway.

That's because Bubba loves him some pickup truck. And trucks don't have weight in the back. Some bubbas put a bale of hay in the truck bed just to get weight over the rear axle. Those are educated Bubbas. The driver of the truck pictured at left is not.

My friend put several bags of dry cement in her truck. But neglected to take it out when the snow melted. She had to enlist several friends to help her remove the hardened concrete in the spring.

Weekend forecast calls for mid-60s Saturday and Sunday. Wonder where I put those shorts?