Caren has been staying with me for nearly two weeks. We took a one night break last week but then I took Wednesday-Friday off to attempt to complete my kitchen. She's asleep in my bed now with Zak by her side.
I'm in my office watching the steady rain fall. I love to watch the rain. Love to sleep with it falling on the deck outside my room. Last night, we slept with the window slightly open so it would lull us to sleep. It's tempting to go back to bed for another hour ... the sky is dark and the rain is heavy.
I've been thinking about Liz again lately. Missing her, really. I wonder if she feels the same? My counselor told me something must of happened in my past that resulted in me having a hard time letting go. I think she's full of it.
I think what happened in this case is that I fell in love 17 years ago. And I screwed it up time and time again. I had several chances to change the course of our relationship in the past four years and I couldn't pull the trigger. So here I am now, caught in this web of longing, wishful thinking, memories and guilt.
If I hadn't begun to concentrate on living in the present, these kind of thoughts would send me into a tailspin. But today I'm able to think about it, let it wash whatever feeling it elicits over me, and go on.
I'm not perfect.
I make mistakes.
I made a huge one that cost me the love of my life.
I learned.
And I love once more.
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