this is how it feels

to be happy.

Long distance

After much talking, tears and support, Caren applied for a Corps of Engineers job in Galveston ... about a 4 hour drive from here. Her parents are long-time government employees and apparantly that helps get your foot in the door.

Nothing to get upset about now. We'll see where it goes. But I'm very proud that she is making decisions based on her life and not mine.

Elusive yet attainable

I've re-read the last post about Caren probably 50 times since I wrote it a little over a month ago. And I'd like to say the relationship continues to soar toward the next step in our journey. But I can't.

The truth is I fear we've reached as far as we're going to go. And that's what we've been grappling with for a few weeks now. Both of us.

Caren is still not working. I still carry the financial burden in the relationship and that's not something I'm comfortable doing.

She is loving school and is doing so well. I know one day she'll find her true calling but it's at least a year away. I put too much pressure on her, she says.

I'm sure I do.

You don't look at life the same at 53 as you did at 28. My professional life is reaching the end; hers is trying to start. We find ourselves not having anything to talk about outside of our feelings, which we do so well. Better than I have done with anyone. But her experience pool is shallow; mine is not.

I no longer have the confidence that this is the one for me. But it is the one who has helped me open my heart again, and for that, I will be forever grateful.

What a difference a year makes

This time last year, Liz and I were in Mexico hoping to reconcile. What we came away with was a realization that despite the unparalled love we have for one another, we couldn't bridge the differences and fears five years of separation had created.

It was a very tough lesson to learn. One that I still struggle with even to this day.

But what I have on this morning of my 53rd year, is the love and adoration of a beautiful and kind woman. A woman who understands that the memories of 13 years is hard to let go of yet believes that I will find a way to do exactly that.

The irony of it is the more she believes in me, the more she opens her arms and comforts me, the more she kisses my tears away, the more I do believe, the more I let go, the more I turn to her.

I love you, Caren. The pain of this past year lessens every day I spend with you.

Please don't be floating in the Gulf of Mexico, little blue Galveston beach house!

I went on vacation and a hurricane broke out

Caren and I spent Labor Day weekend in New Orleans.

And so did hundreds of gay boys, LSU fans, the National Guard and Hurricane Gustav.

It turned into a working weekend. I went armed with a FlipVideo camera and a laptop and posted to our hurricane blog before the 'real' team showed up.

Strange being in the French Quarter with windows boarded up and the only sounds are coming from generators and a bad Journey cover band.

I did manage to have a little fun. Got my first lap dance at the Larry Flynnt Barely Legal club. Found where the Corps of Engineers were hurriedly dumping sand in HESCO sand baskets at the Industrial Canal (which breeched and flooded the Lower Ninth Ward). Was asked if I was interested in a three-way with this guy and Caren. 'No? Well, can I watch then?' Uh, no. Was told that if we didn't leave our hotel by 11 a.m. Sunday, we would be taken to an evacuation center. Slept in the New Orleans airport Saturday night.

The photo posted is of me standing on the HESCO baskets after begging the corp dude for a hard hat.

Fitting the pieces

Liz and I went to Zambrano's after work tonight to wash the taste of the day out of our mouths.

We each had two glasses of wine ... I had a Napa Valley Riesling and she had a Napa Valley Pinot Noir. We shared a cheese and meat tray.

We have put boundaries on 'relationship' talk. I don't want to know about hers, and, well, I don't want her to know about mine. But I did open up about something.

I told her I thought she treated me badly last year when we were dating. That I believed she wanted me to feel the way she felt when we separated five years ago, when she loved me so much that would have done anything to get back together with me, and I wouldn't give her a chance.

I know how that feels now and I told her so. I think she's always wanted me to feel that kind of loneliness and helplessness. I don't believe she did it intentionally but I do think she was still angry with me and it just happened. I told her that I forgave her but I'm not sure I have forgiven myself for all of the bad shit I put her through in the course of our relationship.

I don't want to have these kind of talks with Liz every time we're together. Tonight just seemed to be the right time.