Dad and I

Today's the Rangers' home opener (yay!!!) against the Baltimore Orioles (boo!!!).

My dad and I started going to home openers way before the new ballpark was built in 1994. Then my brother wanted to go. Then my sister. And my nephews. For three years, we rented a suite but the past few years the team priced us out.

My brother got us tickets from a ticket broker (re: scalper) last year but. they. sucked. It was 55 degrees with a chilly north wind. Our seats were at the back of the outfield and a cold wind beat us up all day.

So this year I decided to get back to basics and take my dad. Just us.

For his 86th birthday in March, I bought tickets in the section and row that for many years we had season tickets. An easy walk from the parking lot. Down one row.

Every year I wonder if this will be the last year my dad will be steady and healthy enough to go to the home opener. I can't imagine doing this without him. Can't imagine not seeing the tears in his eyes when the B-1 bombers fly over the stadium after we sing the national anthem. (I can, however, imagine not cringing when he starts talking loudly about how much he despises George Bush! Yikes.)

But today is the day I'll add yet another beautiful memory of my dad. And I won't think about next year.

Should it really be this hard?

Caren and I have had a less than great two days.

We had a big argument at the boxing match we went to see Thursday night. Guess what about? Liz.

She said she knows when I'm thinking about her.

I pull away.
I'm not as loving.

I told her we talked about this before we started dating. That it was going to take some time to get past my many years with Liz. I told her a 13+ year relationship isn't comparable to a 4-year relationship (like she had) and that it takes time to get over.

She said she's tired of living in her shadow.

We didn't stay together Thursday night. Both of us too mad to want to cozy up to one another. But it started again Friday night.

Once more she started in on 'no one will ever live up to Liz' standards' and 'you don't love me like I love you.' So I snapped.

I told her NEVER to talk to me about Liz. That I was trying harder than I've ever tried to get past this. That no matter how hard she tries, she'll never understand what it takes to get over someone who has been such a big part of your life for such a long time. I told her I liked where we are and if she kept pushing me to feel something I don't feel right now or to 'get over it', she's not going to like the result.

And I meant it. Caren has a long way to go before she's in any position to win me completely over.

She has to finish school
She has to hold a job.
She has to financially contribute to this relationship.

Maybe this is what happens when you're involved with a much younger person.
Maybe this is what happens when you're wanting to give someone something that you've already given another.

We won't see each other until Thursday night or Friday. And I looking forward to the peace.

Relationships. I just don't remember it being this hard.

The L Word

Showtime's 'The L Word' has caused many butt-squirming moments for me this season.

Bette and Tina broke up last season.
Tina was with a man.
Bette was with a woman.

But this season, they found their way back to each other and it's caused some very uncomfortable Sunday nights on my couch.

Caren has been visibly shaken by the storyline and I've done everything I can to keep her from seeing the tears in my eyes.

It was this line spoken by Bette as she broke up with Jodie to be with Tina that really hit home:

"There has been something missing for me. Something that is hard to define. And I have been desperately trying to create this thing... But I have been just flailing. And I realize now that you and I were never going to find it...Because I have it with someone else."

I wonder if Liz is watching it, too?

Inspiration

So I know this is about 2 years old but it's the first time I've seen it.
And it gave me chills.

Realization

Caren is moving back in with her parents until she gets out of school. She has a journalism degree but is getting another one in international business.

And the job she's applying for, and probably will get, is M-Th, 2-10p.m.

I support what she's doing. She isn't making any money now, her dad is paying her expenses and her rent is $500/mo. If I was her dad, I'd suggest she move back home, too.

What does this mean for us?

Not a lot of good.
Not a lot of bad.
Just a bunch of unknowns.

We won't be seeing as much of each other. We decided that she'd stay with me Friday-Sunday. She won't be living around the corner ... she's moving about 30 minutes away. And working in Dallas, which is 40 minutes away.

Not exactly 'meet me for a beer after work' neighborhood.

This will be challenging for us. And I can't say that I'm positive that it will turn out OK.

I love Caren. She loves me. But I really wish I was with someone who already was knee-deep in their career, worked the same hours as me and had nearly the same earning power as I do. I want a relationship that is moving toward cohabitating. Caren and I won't live together until she gets out of school and starts to make money. That's over a year from now.

I don't know if I can wait that long.

I can't

stop thinking.
about.
liz.

oh, god.
please stop this.

hasn't it been long enough?
don't i know the answer?
what is the lesson?
haven 't i hurt(her.me.us) enough?

i.
love.
you.
so.
much.

live in today.
live in today.
live in today.
live.

Rainy days and Tuesdays?

Caren has been staying with me for nearly two weeks. We took a one night break last week but then I took Wednesday-Friday off to attempt to complete my kitchen. She's asleep in my bed now with Zak by her side.

I'm in my office watching the steady rain fall. I love to watch the rain. Love to sleep with it falling on the deck outside my room. Last night, we slept with the window slightly open so it would lull us to sleep. It's tempting to go back to bed for another hour ... the sky is dark and the rain is heavy.

I've been thinking about Liz again lately. Missing her, really. I wonder if she feels the same? My counselor told me something must of happened in my past that resulted in me having a hard time letting go. I think she's full of it.

I think what happened in this case is that I fell in love 17 years ago. And I screwed it up time and time again. I had several chances to change the course of our relationship in the past four years and I couldn't pull the trigger. So here I am now, caught in this web of longing, wishful thinking, memories and guilt.

If I hadn't begun to concentrate on living in the present, these kind of thoughts would send me into a tailspin. But today I'm able to think about it, let it wash whatever feeling it elicits over me, and go on.

I'm not perfect.
I make mistakes.
I made a huge one that cost me the love of my life.
I learned.
And I love once more.