Feeling special

This dating of my ex isn't starting out real well.

Right now we just don't fit. There is love, yes, but not deep, passionate love. She doesn't make me feel special or desired or wanted. She doesn't make a sound when I touch her. Do I even excite her? I don't know.

I can't make love without the feeling of intense, white-hot heat. I can't give up that part of myself unless I know my partner is burning up for me. And I won't. Anything less is just sex. I don't want 'just sex.' I want passion and excitement and recklessness.

Judy says not to bust out of the starting gate like a thoroughbred. I won't. And it's only been a week since we decided to date again. But I keep thinking about the previous eight months when she kept me at arms length. All of the times she had something more important to do than spend time with me.

While I was going through the sorrow of a love lost, she wasn't the one having deep, intimate conversations with me. She wasn't the one pulling me through with encouragement and tenderness and kind, gentle words. She wasn't the one building me back up.

All she could talk about was work and professional organizations and running goals.

This time is crucial for me. I gave up something incredibly wonderful so I could move forward with certainty and without guilt. And I'm determined to end the drama of the last three years.

I will try to be patient. But I will build the kind of relationship I want. I won't settle for less than what I deserve.

With or without Liz.