Searching

Liz and I kissed (not really) and made up but there is an underlying sadness to all of this.

Don't know if I started to pull away and actually tried to give my heart to someone else. Or if I'm realizing that the Liz I fell in love with many years ago is gone. Or if the Sarah of SarahandLiz is gone.

What's reality? I don't like how defensive Liz makes me feel. I always wonder if there is a hidden meaning in the things she asks or tells me. I can't say that I don't trust her ... I don't believe she would ever do anything intentually to hurt me. But I don't think she realizes what it does to me to be yelled at.

Most of the time we have spent together since June 23 has not been happy time. Arguments. Flashes of the past. Lack of intimacy. I've held her maybe two times.

And funny thing is, I don't want anymore from her right now. Can't say that I'm at a place where I want to make love to her or her to make love to me. In fact, I'm more excited at the prospect of buying a house.

Caren stays strong on my mind. Wonder how much this plays into what I'm feeling ... or what I'm not feeling. Time will tell. It always does.