u could still fix this so easily. u say i'm the one u want. i'm the one u love. then be brave for me, sarah, end it with liz now, quit fooling around. come back to me. hold me. let us be happy and in love. i'm little more than scared all the time right now. i miss u so much. show me u mean what you say.
That was from Caren a few days ago. The last communication between us. The pressure is getting to me and the pain unbearable for her.
I read it over and over and over ... makes so much sense. But not so easy. There are nights when I lay in bed and my heart just knows she's the one. And that is followed by my mind saying, 'yeah ... she's 27. Remember the last one?'
Liz and I had dinner Wednesday. And we both agreed there isn't a lot of electricity between us. Sparks, yes. And there is no question we love each other. More than best friends ... more like family. A bond that will never break. Are we trying to hard? Or is it just not there anymore?
I told her I had hoped our first time making love would be more passionate ... more physical. She said she liked it. Reminescent of the last years of our relationship. Sex was always good but the frequency and predictability was a killer. We had a bad case of Lesbian Bed Death. I have fears that it will remain as such.
She says I smile when I talk about Caren. She says that I'm in love with her. I've denied it before. Didn't deny it Wednesday night. She likes Caren. Strangely, that means a lot to me.
We have an appointment with our counselor next Saturday. I don't know what to expect but I do have to be brave. And honest.
I have a whole week to obsess about this. Shit.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Saturday, July 21, 2007
She's gone
This was too much for her. My shit usually is when I bring someone else onboard.
Caren is in love with me but this indecision and uncertainty is too much for her. Can't stand not being with me ... can't handle knowing I'm with someone else ... can't deal with the image of me touching another woman.
Yesterday was very hard. I'm afraid I'm losing her. She said she won't wait ... can't wait. And we decided not to communicate for awhile.
Too much sadness when we do.
I'm in love with her. Don't know where to turn. Don't know what to do.
I can only take deep breaths and believe I'm doing the right thing. But the right thing feels like shit. And I'm wondering if it really is the right thing. Why can't I just grab my ovaries and jump? What the hell is wrong with me?
I miss her so much.
Caren is in love with me but this indecision and uncertainty is too much for her. Can't stand not being with me ... can't handle knowing I'm with someone else ... can't deal with the image of me touching another woman.
Yesterday was very hard. I'm afraid I'm losing her. She said she won't wait ... can't wait. And we decided not to communicate for awhile.
Too much sadness when we do.
I'm in love with her. Don't know where to turn. Don't know what to do.
I can only take deep breaths and believe I'm doing the right thing. But the right thing feels like shit. And I'm wondering if it really is the right thing. Why can't I just grab my ovaries and jump? What the hell is wrong with me?
I miss her so much.
WTF
OK ... this is where I'm glad this is private.
I'm not in love with Liz.
I'm in love with Caren.
It scares the bee-jesus out of me.
And here's why.
27.
51.
Impetuous. Romantic.
Established. Comfortable.
Balls-to-the-wall.
One toe in, one toe out.
Spontaneous.
Careful.
I long for Caren. Ache for her. She is the one I think about 24/7. I see her in everything thing I do. Was working out Thursday morning in the den. Saw her walk, naked, from the bedroom, down the hallway, to the den. Couldn't believe how real it felt.
I love Liz. Always will. No one will ever know me like she does. I will never reveal all of me to anyone else. She was the epitome. My first, true love. My only.
Don't know where to turn. Just know I'm so very tired of being here. Sometimes feel like I'll take a break from both. Don't know what to do.
I'm not in love with Liz.
I'm in love with Caren.
It scares the bee-jesus out of me.
And here's why.
27.
51.
Impetuous. Romantic.
Established. Comfortable.
Balls-to-the-wall.
One toe in, one toe out.
Spontaneous.
Careful.
I long for Caren. Ache for her. She is the one I think about 24/7. I see her in everything thing I do. Was working out Thursday morning in the den. Saw her walk, naked, from the bedroom, down the hallway, to the den. Couldn't believe how real it felt.
I love Liz. Always will. No one will ever know me like she does. I will never reveal all of me to anyone else. She was the epitome. My first, true love. My only.
Don't know where to turn. Just know I'm so very tired of being here. Sometimes feel like I'll take a break from both. Don't know what to do.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Things I can't get out of my head
1. Caren told me the details of her rape. I can't stop thinking about what he did, how he slapped her, degraded her in ways I could never imagine. Can't get the picture of her crying during and after. And how she felt when she came out of the bathroom with him asleep in her bed. Everytime I think about it, I just want to pull her close to me and protect her from the memory. I know I can't, but it makes me sick to my stomach to know this compassionate, loving, beautiful, young woman will never get away from this horror.
2. Kate told a friend, who told a friend, who told another friend, who told me ... her lesbianism was a phase. Just a little college peer pressure. Now she's 'in love' with a man and wants to get married and have his babies. So I'm asked how it feels to be a phase ... what did I do to make her go straight. And these are MY friends. I know they're just trying to be funny but it's not funny at all. I'm embarassed, humilated and feel like a foolish old woman for chasing after a 27-year-old.
3. Liz and I made love. It wasn't all that. I know it was just the first time and I was extremely nervous, which isn't something I usually feel. But it was awkward and certainly not as passionate as I would have liked. In fact, Liz fell asleep right after. Guess I could say well, at least she was relaxed. But hey, one great thing about being with a woman is the ability to keep going. Don't think it was so good that I would have wanted to keep going. Maybe it was because it was in our house and our bed and I kept thinking that I was betraying Caren, but it was just OK ... no fireworks. Not even a bottle rocket. Just weird. I am taking note of this.
4. Jessica is playing the poor, pitiful rejected lover with Caren. I know she's in pain and grieving but, damn, she wanted the relationship to be over, too. Reading her blog you would think she was tossed out of the apartment without warning. She really needs to find a nice young man and settle down. Seriously.
2. Kate told a friend, who told a friend, who told another friend, who told me ... her lesbianism was a phase. Just a little college peer pressure. Now she's 'in love' with a man and wants to get married and have his babies. So I'm asked how it feels to be a phase ... what did I do to make her go straight. And these are MY friends. I know they're just trying to be funny but it's not funny at all. I'm embarassed, humilated and feel like a foolish old woman for chasing after a 27-year-old.
3. Liz and I made love. It wasn't all that. I know it was just the first time and I was extremely nervous, which isn't something I usually feel. But it was awkward and certainly not as passionate as I would have liked. In fact, Liz fell asleep right after. Guess I could say well, at least she was relaxed. But hey, one great thing about being with a woman is the ability to keep going. Don't think it was so good that I would have wanted to keep going. Maybe it was because it was in our house and our bed and I kept thinking that I was betraying Caren, but it was just OK ... no fireworks. Not even a bottle rocket. Just weird. I am taking note of this.
4. Jessica is playing the poor, pitiful rejected lover with Caren. I know she's in pain and grieving but, damn, she wanted the relationship to be over, too. Reading her blog you would think she was tossed out of the apartment without warning. She really needs to find a nice young man and settle down. Seriously.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Caren
She's 27 going on 40 and we click.
It happened gradually. She was the partner of one of my designers, Jessica, and a friend of Kate's. When Kate and I broke up, Jessica and Caren were right there, encouraging me with their thoughtful and supportive words.
Jessica works nights so Caren and I would meet at the Gingerman or the Bull and the Bush for a beer. A beer became several and several became 10 pounds worth of belly for me.
But we talked. Talked about love and loss. I cried many, many times (beer = tears) over the way Kate left me ... with no explantion, just a note inside a Christmas card that said I would always be in her heart and that she was doing what it took to be happy.
I vowed never to be involved with a 27-year-old again. I was angry, hurt, disappointed and felt like a damn fool for believing that a 24 year age difference doesn't make a difference.
Caren was my shoulder to lean on. She even reamed Kate when they went out one night for being such a fool for leaving me the way she did and just leaving me, period. She became my champion.
Six months went by. Many beers were downed. Many very intimate stories were told. We spilled the contents of our hearts out on the table and a trust grew out of the puddle. She and Jessica were also having problems but she kept that from me for several months. Didn't want to burden me any more than I was.
I knew an attraction was growing ... could see it in those pale blue eyes. And the way she kissed me when she dropped me off at my house gave away her intentions.
At first I ignored it. Didn't want a rebound. Didn't want a 27-year-old. Didn't want a friends lover, or ex, as it came to be. Certainly not a friend (Jessica) who was also crying on my shoulder about their breakup.
One night it just happened. Too much pain on both sides and a desperate need to be wanted and held. We made love. That passionate, clawing, hungry, desperate kind of lovemaking that I've rarely experienced in my 51 years. That kind of throw-me-against-the-door-right-now-and-just-d0-it-or-I'll-explode feeling.
She was there for Breastfest2. I went to Atlanta with her when her second book was published. It was glorious and wonderful and tender and she wanted and loved me like no other. She is the one who loves like me. And she doesn't care if I'm heavier than I should be and 24 years older or a cancer survivor.
She just loves me.
So this reconciling of the past with Liz is breaking her heart. She understands but doesn't. She knows I've been here before and don't want to put her through what I've put others through ... I love Liz today, I love you tomorrow, I love Liz, I love you, etc., etc., etc.
I don't know if it's too late for Liz and I. But I know I want to be loved the way Caren loves me. And having said that and having known that, I wonder if Liz will ever be able to compare. And is it fair for me to compare a 44-year-old with a 27-year-old? So many things Liz and I could accomplish together ... Travel, Homes, Family, Retirement, Security.
But what would I give up? Passion. Adoration. Caregiving. Nurturing. Attention.
I hope to find the answer soon.
It happened gradually. She was the partner of one of my designers, Jessica, and a friend of Kate's. When Kate and I broke up, Jessica and Caren were right there, encouraging me with their thoughtful and supportive words.
Jessica works nights so Caren and I would meet at the Gingerman or the Bull and the Bush for a beer. A beer became several and several became 10 pounds worth of belly for me.
But we talked. Talked about love and loss. I cried many, many times (beer = tears) over the way Kate left me ... with no explantion, just a note inside a Christmas card that said I would always be in her heart and that she was doing what it took to be happy.
I vowed never to be involved with a 27-year-old again. I was angry, hurt, disappointed and felt like a damn fool for believing that a 24 year age difference doesn't make a difference.
Caren was my shoulder to lean on. She even reamed Kate when they went out one night for being such a fool for leaving me the way she did and just leaving me, period. She became my champion.
Six months went by. Many beers were downed. Many very intimate stories were told. We spilled the contents of our hearts out on the table and a trust grew out of the puddle. She and Jessica were also having problems but she kept that from me for several months. Didn't want to burden me any more than I was.
I knew an attraction was growing ... could see it in those pale blue eyes. And the way she kissed me when she dropped me off at my house gave away her intentions.
At first I ignored it. Didn't want a rebound. Didn't want a 27-year-old. Didn't want a friends lover, or ex, as it came to be. Certainly not a friend (Jessica) who was also crying on my shoulder about their breakup.
One night it just happened. Too much pain on both sides and a desperate need to be wanted and held. We made love. That passionate, clawing, hungry, desperate kind of lovemaking that I've rarely experienced in my 51 years. That kind of throw-me-against-the-door-right-now-and-just-d0-it-or-I'll-explode feeling.
She was there for Breastfest2. I went to Atlanta with her when her second book was published. It was glorious and wonderful and tender and she wanted and loved me like no other. She is the one who loves like me. And she doesn't care if I'm heavier than I should be and 24 years older or a cancer survivor.
She just loves me.
So this reconciling of the past with Liz is breaking her heart. She understands but doesn't. She knows I've been here before and don't want to put her through what I've put others through ... I love Liz today, I love you tomorrow, I love Liz, I love you, etc., etc., etc.
I don't know if it's too late for Liz and I. But I know I want to be loved the way Caren loves me. And having said that and having known that, I wonder if Liz will ever be able to compare. And is it fair for me to compare a 44-year-old with a 27-year-old? So many things Liz and I could accomplish together ... Travel, Homes, Family, Retirement, Security.
But what would I give up? Passion. Adoration. Caregiving. Nurturing. Attention.
I hope to find the answer soon.
Friday, July 6, 2007
Searching
Liz and I kissed (not really) and made up but there is an underlying sadness to all of this.
Don't know if I started to pull away and actually tried to give my heart to someone else. Or if I'm realizing that the Liz I fell in love with many years ago is gone. Or if the Sarah of SarahandLiz is gone.
What's reality? I don't like how defensive Liz makes me feel. I always wonder if there is a hidden meaning in the things she asks or tells me. I can't say that I don't trust her ... I don't believe she would ever do anything intentually to hurt me. But I don't think she realizes what it does to me to be yelled at.
Most of the time we have spent together since June 23 has not been happy time. Arguments. Flashes of the past. Lack of intimacy. I've held her maybe two times.
And funny thing is, I don't want anymore from her right now. Can't say that I'm at a place where I want to make love to her or her to make love to me. In fact, I'm more excited at the prospect of buying a house.
Caren stays strong on my mind. Wonder how much this plays into what I'm feeling ... or what I'm not feeling. Time will tell. It always does.
Don't know if I started to pull away and actually tried to give my heart to someone else. Or if I'm realizing that the Liz I fell in love with many years ago is gone. Or if the Sarah of SarahandLiz is gone.
What's reality? I don't like how defensive Liz makes me feel. I always wonder if there is a hidden meaning in the things she asks or tells me. I can't say that I don't trust her ... I don't believe she would ever do anything intentually to hurt me. But I don't think she realizes what it does to me to be yelled at.
Most of the time we have spent together since June 23 has not been happy time. Arguments. Flashes of the past. Lack of intimacy. I've held her maybe two times.
And funny thing is, I don't want anymore from her right now. Can't say that I'm at a place where I want to make love to her or her to make love to me. In fact, I'm more excited at the prospect of buying a house.
Caren stays strong on my mind. Wonder how much this plays into what I'm feeling ... or what I'm not feeling. Time will tell. It always does.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Fireworks on the Fourth
We were having a good lunch. Margaritas, Mexican food and a promise of the whole day ahead of us.
Liz came over this afternoon and we were going to have lunch, go grocery shopping, go back over to her house, introduce the dogs to each other and then grill for the rest of the evening. Sounds good, right?
As soon as she came over ... the minute she walked through the door, she was talking about Sam and his problems at The Washington Post. Then we went to lunch and the conversation changed to her job change, the people at the DMN, etc. etc. etc.
I had come to the realization that if Liz and I were to go forward, she couldn't change into the person she thinks I want her to be. So I told her a lunch that I wanted her to feel like she could talk about whatever was on her mind. And I realized that work and NAHJ were her passions. I'm also realizing that I'm not ... or she would be talking about us.
But things turned ugly on our way to Target.
She started telling me about her relationship with Margarita. The kissing ... the bicuriousity ... the awkwardness. And I really was just listening and asking questions. No anger. No jealousy. Just curiousity.
She said that she had never given me any reason not to trust her and I reminded her that she was still having sex with Pam when she told me it was over.
That's when the shit hit the fan.
Her voice started raising and she started poking her finger in my face. "you were still with Kate' etc. etc. etc. Yes, but I was contemplating breaking up with Kate because she was apparently breaking up with Pam. That is, until I found out she was still fucking her.
I exploded. I can't stand to be yelled at and more than that, can't stand for someone to fucking poke their finger in my face.
She took me back home. Haven't heard from her since. Don't care if I do. Yelling is what she's used to ... I don't respond to that kind of communication. And if that's what she wants, good luck to her.
Liz came over this afternoon and we were going to have lunch, go grocery shopping, go back over to her house, introduce the dogs to each other and then grill for the rest of the evening. Sounds good, right?
As soon as she came over ... the minute she walked through the door, she was talking about Sam and his problems at The Washington Post. Then we went to lunch and the conversation changed to her job change, the people at the DMN, etc. etc. etc.
I had come to the realization that if Liz and I were to go forward, she couldn't change into the person she thinks I want her to be. So I told her a lunch that I wanted her to feel like she could talk about whatever was on her mind. And I realized that work and NAHJ were her passions. I'm also realizing that I'm not ... or she would be talking about us.
But things turned ugly on our way to Target.
She started telling me about her relationship with Margarita. The kissing ... the bicuriousity ... the awkwardness. And I really was just listening and asking questions. No anger. No jealousy. Just curiousity.
She said that she had never given me any reason not to trust her and I reminded her that she was still having sex with Pam when she told me it was over.
That's when the shit hit the fan.
Her voice started raising and she started poking her finger in my face. "you were still with Kate' etc. etc. etc. Yes, but I was contemplating breaking up with Kate because she was apparently breaking up with Pam. That is, until I found out she was still fucking her.
I exploded. I can't stand to be yelled at and more than that, can't stand for someone to fucking poke their finger in my face.
She took me back home. Haven't heard from her since. Don't care if I do. Yelling is what she's used to ... I don't respond to that kind of communication. And if that's what she wants, good luck to her.
Between friends
Had a surprising talk with Brenda last night. Let me explain.
We're planning a trip to Puerto Vallerta in September. Brenda, my dearest buddy, is the perfect travel companion. She'll find the lowest airfare ... the best villa for the price ... car rental and finds these cool places to eat.
So she found a low airfare, called me and booked it while we were on the phone. Then, out of nowhere, she said, 'We've had a lot of talks over the past few years. I know what you want in a partner. And I don't think Liz can give that to you.'
Brenda isn't one to offer unsolicited opinion so it shocked me a little. She and Liz have been friends for over 20 years. But we have grown very close to one another since Liz and I broke up.
Liz hasn't tended to her relationship with Brenda and Deb very much of the last 8 months.
She's been involved in Team in Training and seems to only cultivate the small circle of NAHJ colleagues, her blog friends and those from work. I have felt shut out of her life and I know Brenda and Deb have to. So to hear Brenda say that maybe this isn't going to make me happy, gives me a great deal more to think about.
And this happened on a night that Liz was talking about all the parties her DMN colleagues want to give her. She has kept that part of her life separate from me. I've never felt included, although there was one party she invited me to. As she was talking about the gays, the Hispanics and the Collin County crew wanting to throw parties for her, she never mentioned me going with her. So I asked if she wanted me to go with her ... and she said of course I do.
I guess I was supposed to assume she wanted me there.
We're planning a trip to Puerto Vallerta in September. Brenda, my dearest buddy, is the perfect travel companion. She'll find the lowest airfare ... the best villa for the price ... car rental and finds these cool places to eat.
So she found a low airfare, called me and booked it while we were on the phone. Then, out of nowhere, she said, 'We've had a lot of talks over the past few years. I know what you want in a partner. And I don't think Liz can give that to you.'
Brenda isn't one to offer unsolicited opinion so it shocked me a little. She and Liz have been friends for over 20 years. But we have grown very close to one another since Liz and I broke up.
Liz hasn't tended to her relationship with Brenda and Deb very much of the last 8 months.
She's been involved in Team in Training and seems to only cultivate the small circle of NAHJ colleagues, her blog friends and those from work. I have felt shut out of her life and I know Brenda and Deb have to. So to hear Brenda say that maybe this isn't going to make me happy, gives me a great deal more to think about.
And this happened on a night that Liz was talking about all the parties her DMN colleagues want to give her. She has kept that part of her life separate from me. I've never felt included, although there was one party she invited me to. As she was talking about the gays, the Hispanics and the Collin County crew wanting to throw parties for her, she never mentioned me going with her. So I asked if she wanted me to go with her ... and she said of course I do.
I guess I was supposed to assume she wanted me there.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Feeling special
This dating of my ex isn't starting out real well.
Right now we just don't fit. There is love, yes, but not deep, passionate love. She doesn't make me feel special or desired or wanted. She doesn't make a sound when I touch her. Do I even excite her? I don't know.
I can't make love without the feeling of intense, white-hot heat. I can't give up that part of myself unless I know my partner is burning up for me. And I won't. Anything less is just sex. I don't want 'just sex.' I want passion and excitement and recklessness.
Judy says not to bust out of the starting gate like a thoroughbred. I won't. And it's only been a week since we decided to date again. But I keep thinking about the previous eight months when she kept me at arms length. All of the times she had something more important to do than spend time with me.
While I was going through the sorrow of a love lost, she wasn't the one having deep, intimate conversations with me. She wasn't the one pulling me through with encouragement and tenderness and kind, gentle words. She wasn't the one building me back up.
All she could talk about was work and professional organizations and running goals.
This time is crucial for me. I gave up something incredibly wonderful so I could move forward with certainty and without guilt. And I'm determined to end the drama of the last three years.
I will try to be patient. But I will build the kind of relationship I want. I won't settle for less than what I deserve.
With or without Liz.
Right now we just don't fit. There is love, yes, but not deep, passionate love. She doesn't make me feel special or desired or wanted. She doesn't make a sound when I touch her. Do I even excite her? I don't know.
I can't make love without the feeling of intense, white-hot heat. I can't give up that part of myself unless I know my partner is burning up for me. And I won't. Anything less is just sex. I don't want 'just sex.' I want passion and excitement and recklessness.
Judy says not to bust out of the starting gate like a thoroughbred. I won't. And it's only been a week since we decided to date again. But I keep thinking about the previous eight months when she kept me at arms length. All of the times she had something more important to do than spend time with me.
While I was going through the sorrow of a love lost, she wasn't the one having deep, intimate conversations with me. She wasn't the one pulling me through with encouragement and tenderness and kind, gentle words. She wasn't the one building me back up.
All she could talk about was work and professional organizations and running goals.
This time is crucial for me. I gave up something incredibly wonderful so I could move forward with certainty and without guilt. And I'm determined to end the drama of the last three years.
I will try to be patient. But I will build the kind of relationship I want. I won't settle for less than what I deserve.
With or without Liz.
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