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u could still fix this so easily. u say i'm the one u want. i'm the one u love. then be brave for me, sarah, end it with liz now, quit fooling around. come back to me. hold me. let us be happy and in love. i'm little more than scared all the time right now. i miss u so much. show me u mean what you say.

That was from Caren a few days ago. The last communication between us. The pressure is getting to me and the pain unbearable for her.

I read it over and over and over ... makes so much sense. But not so easy. There are nights when I lay in bed and my heart just knows she's the one. And that is followed by my mind saying, 'yeah ... she's 27. Remember the last one?'

Liz and I had dinner Wednesday. And we both agreed there isn't a lot of electricity between us. Sparks, yes. And there is no question we love each other. More than best friends ... more like family. A bond that will never break. Are we trying to hard? Or is it just not there anymore?

I told her I had hoped our first time making love would be more passionate ... more physical. She said she liked it. Reminescent of the last years of our relationship. Sex was always good but the frequency and predictability was a killer. We had a bad case of Lesbian Bed Death. I have fears that it will remain as such.

She says I smile when I talk about Caren. She says that I'm in love with her. I've denied it before. Didn't deny it Wednesday night. She likes Caren. Strangely, that means a lot to me.

We have an appointment with our counselor next Saturday. I don't know what to expect but I do have to be brave. And honest.

I have a whole week to obsess about this. Shit.