Things I can't get out of my head

1. Caren told me the details of her rape. I can't stop thinking about what he did, how he slapped her, degraded her in ways I could never imagine. Can't get the picture of her crying during and after. And how she felt when she came out of the bathroom with him asleep in her bed. Everytime I think about it, I just want to pull her close to me and protect her from the memory. I know I can't, but it makes me sick to my stomach to know this compassionate, loving, beautiful, young woman will never get away from this horror.

2. Kate told a friend, who told a friend, who told another friend, who told me ... her lesbianism was a phase. Just a little college peer pressure. Now she's 'in love' with a man and wants to get married and have his babies. So I'm asked how it feels to be a phase ... what did I do to make her go straight. And these are MY friends. I know they're just trying to be funny but it's not funny at all. I'm embarassed, humilated and feel like a foolish old woman for chasing after a 27-year-old.

3. Liz and I made love. It wasn't all that. I know it was just the first time and I was extremely nervous, which isn't something I usually feel. But it was awkward and certainly not as passionate as I would have liked. In fact, Liz fell asleep right after. Guess I could say well, at least she was relaxed. But hey, one great thing about being with a woman is the ability to keep going. Don't think it was so good that I would have wanted to keep going. Maybe it was because it was in our house and our bed and I kept thinking that I was betraying Caren, but it was just OK ... no fireworks. Not even a bottle rocket. Just weird. I am taking note of this.

4. Jessica is playing the poor, pitiful rejected lover with Caren. I know she's in pain and grieving but, damn, she wanted the relationship to be over, too. Reading her blog you would think she was tossed out of the apartment without warning. She really needs to find a nice young man and settle down. Seriously.