Merry Christmas

It's Christmas Day.

Caren was at my house last night when I got home from my family celebration. She had made a traditional German holiday drink with red wine, cinnamon, fruit and rum. We opened our presents to one another, laughed at Zak's new football jersey and went to a candlelight church service.

She is spending today with her family and I'm working the night shift. I volunteered to work so my 1A designer could go to Minnesota with his wife. Honestly, I just didn't want to sit at home.

I've been thinking about Liz so much today. I had an internal battle with myself yesterday of whether to wish her a Merry Christmas but I couldn't do it. Wouldn't do it. I've spent time today letting myself remember Christmas past, letting the tears flow and the sadness pour over me.

Whatever we've been doing the past four years ... trying to be friends, trying to be lovers, trying to understand the differences ... hasn't worked. I can't have her in my life anymore and really move forward. It hasn't worked. Everytime I think I'm stronger or can resist feeling the pull, I look into those deep, brown eyes and fall under her spell. Can't even go to her circle30 blog anymore.

Maybe this is about me now. And maybe one of these days I'll realize it's OK for it to be about me. I have to accept that she doesn't feel the same and that's it's not good for me to think it can change. It won't. Ever.

Rejoice!!

I HAVE A REFRIGERATOR!
I HAVE A STOVE!
I HAVE A DISHWASHER!

But I don't have any food.
*sigh*
Time to go to Target.

Home sweet home?

Just ducked into the office for awhile to catch up on email before my two week vacation ends tomorrow.

Joy.

The home renovation continues to be both exciting and a pain-in-the-ass. Had to switch to black slate flooring because of expense concerns in leveling subfloor. The I decided painting the upper cabinets antique white and lower cabinets black seemed like a good idea.

So 27 cabinet doors are primed and laying in my dining room, which is sheetrocked and waiting for the damn cabinets to be hung so texture can be applied and it can be painted.

My dining room furniture is in the garage along with my new dishwasher and washer and dryer.

I am now $5000 over budget. And there is still much to do.

Like painting the new entry doors, front and back.
Sheetrocking the large bathroom.
Putting in the new bathroom vanity.
Painting the bathroom.
Applying another coat of red to the kitchen.
Picking out a backsplash.
Texturing and painting the bathroom and dining room.
Did I mention the trim?

My contractor swears it will be finished Wednesday. I'm wondering what planet he's from.

A Date That Will Live in Infamy

On Dec. 7, 1990, I asked Liz to marry me.

Life is funny, isn't it?

It really is over. I think it's finally sinking in and it's so terribly sad right now. I used to look for any shred of hope but deep in my heart, I know there is none. No one is encouraging me in the least. In fact, I'm painfully aware of the hopelessness in my friend's voices.

She doesn't love me 'like that' anymore. For the first time in 17 years.

And today, Dec. 7, 2007, Caren turned 28.

Life is funny, isn't it?

The Luckiest

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday

And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?
And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize

And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

The Luckiest by Ben Folds

This isn't right

Liz came into my office today to tell me about her niece who is barely six months pregnant and in labor. The baby's heart is strong but his lungs are not. It broke my heart. I've know Marissa since she was 8 or 9 and I love her like my own.

It was all I could do not to ask Liz to hold me. I'm moving forward, I think, but it feels so unnatural to me. I don't know why I still think of her as my wife, but I do.

I'm dating a woman who is crazy about me.
I have a house that takes up a great deal of my time.
I have a new job that is going to be a big challenge.
But all I can see is Liz and all I can feel is empty and all I can dream of is us.

This is so fucking unfair. Where does this shit come from?

For Wendy

Thank you. Thank you very much.



*belch*

Happy Thanksgiving, my friend.