Caren

She's 27 going on 40 and we click.

It happened gradually. She was the partner of one of my designers, Jessica, and a friend of Kate's. When Kate and I broke up, Jessica and Caren were right there, encouraging me with their thoughtful and supportive words.

Jessica works nights so Caren and I would meet at the Gingerman or the Bull and the Bush for a beer. A beer became several and several became 10 pounds worth of belly for me.

But we talked. Talked about love and loss. I cried many, many times (beer = tears) over the way Kate left me ... with no explantion, just a note inside a Christmas card that said I would always be in her heart and that she was doing what it took to be happy.

I vowed never to be involved with a 27-year-old again. I was angry, hurt, disappointed and felt like a damn fool for believing that a 24 year age difference doesn't make a difference.

Caren was my shoulder to lean on. She even reamed Kate when they went out one night for being such a fool for leaving me the way she did and just leaving me, period. She became my champion.

Six months went by. Many beers were downed. Many very intimate stories were told. We spilled the contents of our hearts out on the table and a trust grew out of the puddle. She and Jessica were also having problems but she kept that from me for several months. Didn't want to burden me any more than I was.

I knew an attraction was growing ... could see it in those pale blue eyes. And the way she kissed me when she dropped me off at my house gave away her intentions.

At first I ignored it. Didn't want a rebound. Didn't want a 27-year-old. Didn't want a friends lover, or ex, as it came to be. Certainly not a friend (Jessica) who was also crying on my shoulder about their breakup.

One night it just happened. Too much pain on both sides and a desperate need to be wanted and held. We made love. That passionate, clawing, hungry, desperate kind of lovemaking that I've rarely experienced in my 51 years. That kind of throw-me-against-the-door-right-now-and-just-d0-it-or-I'll-explode feeling.

She was there for Breastfest2. I went to Atlanta with her when her second book was published. It was glorious and wonderful and tender and she wanted and loved me like no other. She is the one who loves like me. And she doesn't care if I'm heavier than I should be and 24 years older or a cancer survivor.

She just loves me.

So this reconciling of the past with Liz is breaking her heart. She understands but doesn't. She knows I've been here before and don't want to put her through what I've put others through ... I love Liz today, I love you tomorrow, I love Liz, I love you, etc., etc., etc.

I don't know if it's too late for Liz and I. But I know I want to be loved the way Caren loves me. And having said that and having known that, I wonder if Liz will ever be able to compare. And is it fair for me to compare a 44-year-old with a 27-year-old? So many things Liz and I could accomplish together ... Travel, Homes, Family, Retirement, Security.

But what would I give up? Passion. Adoration. Caregiving. Nurturing. Attention.

I hope to find the answer soon.