Admission

Three days into the new year and already my No. 1 resolution has been put to the test.

Went to Starbucks near the office Wednesday afternoon with my friend Monique and, lo and behold, sat Liz and her new girlfriend (and child).

I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. We turned and left (after Liz turned around, looked at me (and I probably looked sticken ... I certainly felt like I did) and turned back around.

Monique walked around downtown with me for awhile until the tears stopped and I could breathe again. It was a very painful moment.

I think I finally got it that she just really wasn't into me. That when she told me that she was fucked up and wasn't good for me right now really meant she didn't want to be with ME. I've suspected as much but Wednesday afternoon was confirmation.

I was pretty much a wreck for the rest of the day and evening. Caren held me that night and just let me feel whatever I needed to feel. No talking. Just comforting.

Yesterday the word had filtered out to my friends at work. (Telegraph, telephone, tell-a-Monique) The word 'insensitive' was freely passed around.

I've come to the realization that, yes, I will always love Liz. We had an amazing 13 years. Problems? Yes. But so much more love and discovery and joy that one person could ever expect from one lifetime.

But she is so proud of the person she is now. So proud that the thought of being my partner brings fear that she will return to the person she was. (Her words, not mine) I have to say I liked the person she was (whatever that means) more than I like the person she is now.

Yes, she is insensitive. And self-absorbed. And unfeeling. And shallow.

And not the kind of person I want in my life.

So I slipped a little Wednesday ... crawled out a bit Thursday and will hold my head up today.

Because today I have friends who love me, a woman who adores me, a dog who is glued to my side, a new house to work on and a new job that has brought me financial and personal gains.

That is my today.