At last

So 2007 comes to end in just under 8 hours from now.

I started the year grieving the loss of a relationship, spent the middle part of the year dancing with Liz and will end it celebrating with someone who really wants to be with me.

I will make some resolutions this year. Didn't last year. Maybe that's what messed with my mojo, huh?

Resolution 1: Live in the now. Appreciate what I have, not what I don't have or what I've lost.
Resolution 2: Get the weight off. I have this white shirt and faded jeans I'd love to get into again.
Resolution 3: Forgive myself.
Resolution 4: Don't forget resolution 1.

Have a safe and happy New Year's Eve.

Merry Christmas

It's Christmas Day.

Caren was at my house last night when I got home from my family celebration. She had made a traditional German holiday drink with red wine, cinnamon, fruit and rum. We opened our presents to one another, laughed at Zak's new football jersey and went to a candlelight church service.

She is spending today with her family and I'm working the night shift. I volunteered to work so my 1A designer could go to Minnesota with his wife. Honestly, I just didn't want to sit at home.

I've been thinking about Liz so much today. I had an internal battle with myself yesterday of whether to wish her a Merry Christmas but I couldn't do it. Wouldn't do it. I've spent time today letting myself remember Christmas past, letting the tears flow and the sadness pour over me.

Whatever we've been doing the past four years ... trying to be friends, trying to be lovers, trying to understand the differences ... hasn't worked. I can't have her in my life anymore and really move forward. It hasn't worked. Everytime I think I'm stronger or can resist feeling the pull, I look into those deep, brown eyes and fall under her spell. Can't even go to her circle30 blog anymore.

Maybe this is about me now. And maybe one of these days I'll realize it's OK for it to be about me. I have to accept that she doesn't feel the same and that's it's not good for me to think it can change. It won't. Ever.

Rejoice!!

I HAVE A REFRIGERATOR!
I HAVE A STOVE!
I HAVE A DISHWASHER!

But I don't have any food.
*sigh*
Time to go to Target.

Home sweet home?

Just ducked into the office for awhile to catch up on email before my two week vacation ends tomorrow.

Joy.

The home renovation continues to be both exciting and a pain-in-the-ass. Had to switch to black slate flooring because of expense concerns in leveling subfloor. The I decided painting the upper cabinets antique white and lower cabinets black seemed like a good idea.

So 27 cabinet doors are primed and laying in my dining room, which is sheetrocked and waiting for the damn cabinets to be hung so texture can be applied and it can be painted.

My dining room furniture is in the garage along with my new dishwasher and washer and dryer.

I am now $5000 over budget. And there is still much to do.

Like painting the new entry doors, front and back.
Sheetrocking the large bathroom.
Putting in the new bathroom vanity.
Painting the bathroom.
Applying another coat of red to the kitchen.
Picking out a backsplash.
Texturing and painting the bathroom and dining room.
Did I mention the trim?

My contractor swears it will be finished Wednesday. I'm wondering what planet he's from.

A Date That Will Live in Infamy

On Dec. 7, 1990, I asked Liz to marry me.

Life is funny, isn't it?

It really is over. I think it's finally sinking in and it's so terribly sad right now. I used to look for any shred of hope but deep in my heart, I know there is none. No one is encouraging me in the least. In fact, I'm painfully aware of the hopelessness in my friend's voices.

She doesn't love me 'like that' anymore. For the first time in 17 years.

And today, Dec. 7, 2007, Caren turned 28.

Life is funny, isn't it?

The Luckiest

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday

And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?
And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize

And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

The Luckiest by Ben Folds

This isn't right

Liz came into my office today to tell me about her niece who is barely six months pregnant and in labor. The baby's heart is strong but his lungs are not. It broke my heart. I've know Marissa since she was 8 or 9 and I love her like my own.

It was all I could do not to ask Liz to hold me. I'm moving forward, I think, but it feels so unnatural to me. I don't know why I still think of her as my wife, but I do.

I'm dating a woman who is crazy about me.
I have a house that takes up a great deal of my time.
I have a new job that is going to be a big challenge.
But all I can see is Liz and all I can feel is empty and all I can dream of is us.

This is so fucking unfair. Where does this shit come from?

For Wendy

Thank you. Thank you very much.



*belch*

Happy Thanksgiving, my friend.

Lady Luck

They say luck comes in threes. Well, maybe they don't say it, but I do.

Luck No. 1: Underbid $30K in the hottest residential area in FW and got the house.
Luck No. 2: Bossman comes in Tuesday, practically tackles me at the elevator and tells me, after 21 years at the newspaper, he's leaving for a teaching position at Texas Christian U. An hour later, his boss pulled me into her office and offered me the job. I am now Assistant Managing Editor for Design and Graphics, with a slight bump in pay.
Luck No. 3: I'm spending Thanksgiving in Las Vegas. Sure could use a nice, big run at blackjack. Could it be???

And now for some good news

So I'm now a homeowner. Or should I say, a mortgage holder.

It's a 1929 charmer. 2 bedrooms, 1 and a half baths. Nice front porch, two-tiered deck in the back. Garage that could easily be turned into a studio (but not anytime soon).

First thing is to make some repairs. Nothing major. The house has been rented for a couple of years and it hasn't been kept up with.

I'm taking the first couple of weeks off in December to move. Between closing (Nov. 20 or 27) and move in, I'm repainting the inside.

The kitchen will be redone slightly. Replacing the gray laminate countertops with black granite. Replacing the white appliaces with staineless steel. Taking out the ceramic tile, laying concrete and polishing a high glass black acid wash.

This is a huge first step to moving on.
Maybe this will be the place I find love again.
Maybe this will be the place where I finally learn that I can live happily without Liz.

Missing her

Today has been the hardest in a long time.

I'm on the verge of being angry with her for not being able to get past her fear and sadness because we aren't talking. It's just too damn painful.

Maybe it's because I'm close to buying a house. Seller accepted my offer, inspection was today and I'm getting that oh-my-God-I'm-really-moving-on feeling. And I remember 13 years ago when Liz and I bought our house.

How we slept on the floor the night before the movers came. How we had candles and wine and toasted our future. Sweet. We were that sickening couple who always got along, always were together, always were in love. Till death do us part.

Feels like death. Feels like I'm dead inside right now. Should be excited but I'm not. Just fucking sad.

This is going to be one rocky night.

Riding the wave

Some days I actually think I'm going to be happy.

Some days I can't get Liz off my mind. (she made her myspace page private and that, of course, drives me nuts)

Some days I think I'm getting stronger. I've lost about 10 pounds and am trying to get my life and body back on track.

But I'm very aware of how much I miss Liz. Her friendship. Her laughter. Her. Then I remember how hard it was for her to let go with me and how she wasn't able to give me what I needed. That usually does the trick.

Caren has been hanging around. I've had to tell her several times not to push. That I'm not looking for a fullblown relationship with anyone at this moment. That she's still 27 and I still have issues with that.

But she's been sweet and nurturing and loving and it's been nice to have that kind of friend. Especially one with benefits.

A bitter pill

I made the call. I asked the question. She answered. I heard it loud and clear.

Work has been emotionally brutal. Liz and I steal glances and painful, polite smiles with each other. After holding it together (for the most part) for much of the day, I let it go once I get into my car and the short drive home.

This time the tears continued well into the night. So I called Brenda and asked her 'what am I doing wrong?" She asked it I really wanted to hear it and I said yes. And she said, 'stop me at any time.'

Said it's time for me to pick my chin up and quit moping around. That I'm letting Liz have too much power over me. She's tired of seeing me following her around like a lovesick puppy just waiting for her to pay attention to me. "She gives you crumbs and you turn it into a banquet."

"After her job, her new friends, running, family and NAHJ, where do you fall?" I know the answer to that ... dead last. "She's changed. The new Liz doesn't want to be reminded of the old Liz and you and I are reminders of who she used to be. That's why she doesn't call me and is terrified of being closer to you." Brenda and Liz have been friends for over 20 years.

She said that I'm funny, sexy, attractive, kind, gentle and loving and that I'm a great catch. I can have anyone I want but I have to stop moping around. "You don't have to settle. You don't have to try to make someone see you and love you. You just have to be happy with yourself and do things for yourself and it will come."

Some of this was hard to hear but it made an impact. I woke up the next morning knowing that I hadn't cried all night. Woke up with a pit bull's head across my chest and I laughed. The last few days have been better.

Thank you, Brenda.

Moving on

It comes and goes. I feel the sadness growing inside me with no triggers at all. Then it leaves.

This will be slow. Needs to be. Surprisingly I haven't had those feelings of 'oh my God, what did I do.' I haven't second-guessed my decision.

I'm not settling for anything less than adoration, attention and affection. Not at 52. Shouldn't have at 22, but we get into a pattern of thinking we can live with something less than what we want.

That didn't work for Liz and I. Didn't work for Kate and I. Won't work for (fill in the blank) and I. I can compromise on the number of animals, where we live, how to divide the chores, etc,, etc. but I won't compromise on how I need and want to be loved.

End of a dream

For 4 years I dreamed of having this chance. I regretted leaving Liz. Regretted hooking up with Kate. She regretted hooking up with Pam.

And always there was a pull toward one another. What was it? It was always the elephant in the room ... neither of us could fully commit to another but wouldn't admit the reason. Couldn't or wouldn't, at this point I don't know which one.

So we find ourselves single again. Could we erase the past 4 years? Should we try to figure out what was between us? Of course we should. We had to. It was so very strong and could no longer be ignored.

It was awkward from the beginning and I think we both knew this was not going to go the way we thought it would. But we still fought on. We weren't willing to give up. It had been 4 years of what-if's that needed to be put to rest.

But something wasn't quite right. Not the love. God, no, we have so much of that for one another. I never felt secure and that's so hard for me to say. Liz was my security for 13 years. But she had a new life with new friends and new passion.

And the passion wasn't for me.

We tried in Mexico. Made love several times. Were very affectionate with one another. And that felt good. But every now and then, she left. I could see it. Brenda and Deb could see it. She denied it but Liz has never been a good liar.

We talked before she went to Washington for a conference. This wasn't working for me. I needed to feel like I was moving toward something. I want a partner in every sense of the word.
She didn't call me while she was away. And I think that's what opened my eyes.

It was over.

When she came home, we had that talk. She didn't think she was good for me right now. She doesn't know what's wrong with her. She freezes when she thinks of going forward with me. She didn't want to hurt me. Can't imagine her life without me.

I told her it was time for me to find someone who wanted to be my partner. And that was so hard to say. This was the end of the dream. I have never seen anyone but Liz at the end of my life. And now it was over.

The past few days have been hard. We don't talk at work (yes, another ex at work. just shoot me) but not out of anger. It's because we're both on the verge of tears and neither of us want to do that in such a public place. And we really don't know what to say.

Text text

u could still fix this so easily. u say i'm the one u want. i'm the one u love. then be brave for me, sarah, end it with liz now, quit fooling around. come back to me. hold me. let us be happy and in love. i'm little more than scared all the time right now. i miss u so much. show me u mean what you say.

That was from Caren a few days ago. The last communication between us. The pressure is getting to me and the pain unbearable for her.

I read it over and over and over ... makes so much sense. But not so easy. There are nights when I lay in bed and my heart just knows she's the one. And that is followed by my mind saying, 'yeah ... she's 27. Remember the last one?'

Liz and I had dinner Wednesday. And we both agreed there isn't a lot of electricity between us. Sparks, yes. And there is no question we love each other. More than best friends ... more like family. A bond that will never break. Are we trying to hard? Or is it just not there anymore?

I told her I had hoped our first time making love would be more passionate ... more physical. She said she liked it. Reminescent of the last years of our relationship. Sex was always good but the frequency and predictability was a killer. We had a bad case of Lesbian Bed Death. I have fears that it will remain as such.

She says I smile when I talk about Caren. She says that I'm in love with her. I've denied it before. Didn't deny it Wednesday night. She likes Caren. Strangely, that means a lot to me.

We have an appointment with our counselor next Saturday. I don't know what to expect but I do have to be brave. And honest.

I have a whole week to obsess about this. Shit.

She's gone

This was too much for her. My shit usually is when I bring someone else onboard.

Caren is in love with me but this indecision and uncertainty is too much for her. Can't stand not being with me ... can't handle knowing I'm with someone else ... can't deal with the image of me touching another woman.

Yesterday was very hard. I'm afraid I'm losing her. She said she won't wait ... can't wait. And we decided not to communicate for awhile.

Too much sadness when we do.

I'm in love with her. Don't know where to turn. Don't know what to do.

I can only take deep breaths and believe I'm doing the right thing. But the right thing feels like shit. And I'm wondering if it really is the right thing. Why can't I just grab my ovaries and jump? What the hell is wrong with me?

I miss her so much.

WTF

OK ... this is where I'm glad this is private.

I'm not in love with Liz.
I'm in love with Caren.
It scares the bee-jesus out of me.
And here's why.

27.
51.
Impetuous. Romantic.
Established. Comfortable.
Balls-to-the-wall.
One toe in, one toe out.
Spontaneous.
Careful.

I long for Caren. Ache for her. She is the one I think about 24/7. I see her in everything thing I do. Was working out Thursday morning in the den. Saw her walk, naked, from the bedroom, down the hallway, to the den. Couldn't believe how real it felt.

I love Liz. Always will. No one will ever know me like she does. I will never reveal all of me to anyone else. She was the epitome. My first, true love. My only.

Don't know where to turn. Just know I'm so very tired of being here. Sometimes feel like I'll take a break from both. Don't know what to do.

Things I can't get out of my head

1. Caren told me the details of her rape. I can't stop thinking about what he did, how he slapped her, degraded her in ways I could never imagine. Can't get the picture of her crying during and after. And how she felt when she came out of the bathroom with him asleep in her bed. Everytime I think about it, I just want to pull her close to me and protect her from the memory. I know I can't, but it makes me sick to my stomach to know this compassionate, loving, beautiful, young woman will never get away from this horror.

2. Kate told a friend, who told a friend, who told another friend, who told me ... her lesbianism was a phase. Just a little college peer pressure. Now she's 'in love' with a man and wants to get married and have his babies. So I'm asked how it feels to be a phase ... what did I do to make her go straight. And these are MY friends. I know they're just trying to be funny but it's not funny at all. I'm embarassed, humilated and feel like a foolish old woman for chasing after a 27-year-old.

3. Liz and I made love. It wasn't all that. I know it was just the first time and I was extremely nervous, which isn't something I usually feel. But it was awkward and certainly not as passionate as I would have liked. In fact, Liz fell asleep right after. Guess I could say well, at least she was relaxed. But hey, one great thing about being with a woman is the ability to keep going. Don't think it was so good that I would have wanted to keep going. Maybe it was because it was in our house and our bed and I kept thinking that I was betraying Caren, but it was just OK ... no fireworks. Not even a bottle rocket. Just weird. I am taking note of this.

4. Jessica is playing the poor, pitiful rejected lover with Caren. I know she's in pain and grieving but, damn, she wanted the relationship to be over, too. Reading her blog you would think she was tossed out of the apartment without warning. She really needs to find a nice young man and settle down. Seriously.

Caren

She's 27 going on 40 and we click.

It happened gradually. She was the partner of one of my designers, Jessica, and a friend of Kate's. When Kate and I broke up, Jessica and Caren were right there, encouraging me with their thoughtful and supportive words.

Jessica works nights so Caren and I would meet at the Gingerman or the Bull and the Bush for a beer. A beer became several and several became 10 pounds worth of belly for me.

But we talked. Talked about love and loss. I cried many, many times (beer = tears) over the way Kate left me ... with no explantion, just a note inside a Christmas card that said I would always be in her heart and that she was doing what it took to be happy.

I vowed never to be involved with a 27-year-old again. I was angry, hurt, disappointed and felt like a damn fool for believing that a 24 year age difference doesn't make a difference.

Caren was my shoulder to lean on. She even reamed Kate when they went out one night for being such a fool for leaving me the way she did and just leaving me, period. She became my champion.

Six months went by. Many beers were downed. Many very intimate stories were told. We spilled the contents of our hearts out on the table and a trust grew out of the puddle. She and Jessica were also having problems but she kept that from me for several months. Didn't want to burden me any more than I was.

I knew an attraction was growing ... could see it in those pale blue eyes. And the way she kissed me when she dropped me off at my house gave away her intentions.

At first I ignored it. Didn't want a rebound. Didn't want a 27-year-old. Didn't want a friends lover, or ex, as it came to be. Certainly not a friend (Jessica) who was also crying on my shoulder about their breakup.

One night it just happened. Too much pain on both sides and a desperate need to be wanted and held. We made love. That passionate, clawing, hungry, desperate kind of lovemaking that I've rarely experienced in my 51 years. That kind of throw-me-against-the-door-right-now-and-just-d0-it-or-I'll-explode feeling.

She was there for Breastfest2. I went to Atlanta with her when her second book was published. It was glorious and wonderful and tender and she wanted and loved me like no other. She is the one who loves like me. And she doesn't care if I'm heavier than I should be and 24 years older or a cancer survivor.

She just loves me.

So this reconciling of the past with Liz is breaking her heart. She understands but doesn't. She knows I've been here before and don't want to put her through what I've put others through ... I love Liz today, I love you tomorrow, I love Liz, I love you, etc., etc., etc.

I don't know if it's too late for Liz and I. But I know I want to be loved the way Caren loves me. And having said that and having known that, I wonder if Liz will ever be able to compare. And is it fair for me to compare a 44-year-old with a 27-year-old? So many things Liz and I could accomplish together ... Travel, Homes, Family, Retirement, Security.

But what would I give up? Passion. Adoration. Caregiving. Nurturing. Attention.

I hope to find the answer soon.

Searching

Liz and I kissed (not really) and made up but there is an underlying sadness to all of this.

Don't know if I started to pull away and actually tried to give my heart to someone else. Or if I'm realizing that the Liz I fell in love with many years ago is gone. Or if the Sarah of SarahandLiz is gone.

What's reality? I don't like how defensive Liz makes me feel. I always wonder if there is a hidden meaning in the things she asks or tells me. I can't say that I don't trust her ... I don't believe she would ever do anything intentually to hurt me. But I don't think she realizes what it does to me to be yelled at.

Most of the time we have spent together since June 23 has not been happy time. Arguments. Flashes of the past. Lack of intimacy. I've held her maybe two times.

And funny thing is, I don't want anymore from her right now. Can't say that I'm at a place where I want to make love to her or her to make love to me. In fact, I'm more excited at the prospect of buying a house.

Caren stays strong on my mind. Wonder how much this plays into what I'm feeling ... or what I'm not feeling. Time will tell. It always does.

Fireworks on the Fourth

We were having a good lunch. Margaritas, Mexican food and a promise of the whole day ahead of us.

Liz came over this afternoon and we were going to have lunch, go grocery shopping, go back over to her house, introduce the dogs to each other and then grill for the rest of the evening. Sounds good, right?

As soon as she came over ... the minute she walked through the door, she was talking about Sam and his problems at The Washington Post. Then we went to lunch and the conversation changed to her job change, the people at the DMN, etc. etc. etc.

I had come to the realization that if Liz and I were to go forward, she couldn't change into the person she thinks I want her to be. So I told her a lunch that I wanted her to feel like she could talk about whatever was on her mind. And I realized that work and NAHJ were her passions. I'm also realizing that I'm not ... or she would be talking about us.

But things turned ugly on our way to Target.

She started telling me about her relationship with Margarita. The kissing ... the bicuriousity ... the awkwardness. And I really was just listening and asking questions. No anger. No jealousy. Just curiousity.

She said that she had never given me any reason not to trust her and I reminded her that she was still having sex with Pam when she told me it was over.

That's when the shit hit the fan.

Her voice started raising and she started poking her finger in my face. "you were still with Kate' etc. etc. etc. Yes, but I was contemplating breaking up with Kate because she was apparently breaking up with Pam. That is, until I found out she was still fucking her.

I exploded. I can't stand to be yelled at and more than that, can't stand for someone to fucking poke their finger in my face.

She took me back home. Haven't heard from her since. Don't care if I do. Yelling is what she's used to ... I don't respond to that kind of communication. And if that's what she wants, good luck to her.

Between friends

Had a surprising talk with Brenda last night. Let me explain.

We're planning a trip to Puerto Vallerta in September. Brenda, my dearest buddy, is the perfect travel companion. She'll find the lowest airfare ... the best villa for the price ... car rental and finds these cool places to eat.

So she found a low airfare, called me and booked it while we were on the phone. Then, out of nowhere, she said, 'We've had a lot of talks over the past few years. I know what you want in a partner. And I don't think Liz can give that to you.'

Brenda isn't one to offer unsolicited opinion so it shocked me a little. She and Liz have been friends for over 20 years. But we have grown very close to one another since Liz and I broke up.

Liz hasn't tended to her relationship with Brenda and Deb very much of the last 8 months.
She's been involved in Team in Training and seems to only cultivate the small circle of NAHJ colleagues, her blog friends and those from work. I have felt shut out of her life and I know Brenda and Deb have to. So to hear Brenda say that maybe this isn't going to make me happy, gives me a great deal more to think about.

And this happened on a night that Liz was talking about all the parties her DMN colleagues want to give her. She has kept that part of her life separate from me. I've never felt included, although there was one party she invited me to. As she was talking about the gays, the Hispanics and the Collin County crew wanting to throw parties for her, she never mentioned me going with her. So I asked if she wanted me to go with her ... and she said of course I do.

I guess I was supposed to assume she wanted me there.

Feeling special

This dating of my ex isn't starting out real well.

Right now we just don't fit. There is love, yes, but not deep, passionate love. She doesn't make me feel special or desired or wanted. She doesn't make a sound when I touch her. Do I even excite her? I don't know.

I can't make love without the feeling of intense, white-hot heat. I can't give up that part of myself unless I know my partner is burning up for me. And I won't. Anything less is just sex. I don't want 'just sex.' I want passion and excitement and recklessness.

Judy says not to bust out of the starting gate like a thoroughbred. I won't. And it's only been a week since we decided to date again. But I keep thinking about the previous eight months when she kept me at arms length. All of the times she had something more important to do than spend time with me.

While I was going through the sorrow of a love lost, she wasn't the one having deep, intimate conversations with me. She wasn't the one pulling me through with encouragement and tenderness and kind, gentle words. She wasn't the one building me back up.

All she could talk about was work and professional organizations and running goals.

This time is crucial for me. I gave up something incredibly wonderful so I could move forward with certainty and without guilt. And I'm determined to end the drama of the last three years.

I will try to be patient. But I will build the kind of relationship I want. I won't settle for less than what I deserve.

With or without Liz.