The sadness returns

It's been a hard couple of days.

Liz was the onsite editor at the Fort Worth Stock Show. Three weeks of not seeing her on a daily basis was good for me.

But she came back Monday and we continued the avoidance. Then I had to work late Tuesday night for the primaries and I left for several hours in the afternoon to run errands, take care of Zak, etc. When I returned at 8 p.m., she had left me an email. My hands actually shook as I was opening it.

Her niece Marissa had the baby but it isn't great news. The baby was in fetal distress ... apparently he pooped and peed before they could get him out and there is a big concern that he might be blind. He also had a seizure and they aren't sure what the long term ramifications are to that. She also told me she had lunch with my sister, nephew and his wife and that she missed talking to me but hoped things were going well professionally and personally.

My heart broke and I had to close my office door while I sobbed uncontrollably. I love her so deeply and I love her family just as much. I so much want to be there but know I can't.

I've either been on the verge of tears or just flatout crying since Tuesday night and I don't know when this will stop or what it will take. I just have to remember that it's over and nothing, no amount of tears, begging or wanting is going to change that.

I have good friends.
I have a good woman who loves me.
I have a great house. A challenging job.

And that is going to have to be enough for me.

Propping up the economy

So I spent Saturday at Ikea and Restoration Hardware doing my best to turn this economy around.

Doesn't matter how many lists I draw up or how many times I tell myself that I'm not going to try to do everything at once, I walk into these home places and am transformed into Paris Hilton. Or at least I think I'm carrying her credit card.

Someone needs to draw up a 12-step program for new homeowners that starts with 'thou shall not try to renovate more than one room at a time.' Or 'thou shall shop at Target or Walmart instead of Pottery Barn and Restoration Hardware.'

I opened my Mastercard bill Saturday and nearly had a stroke. I've been so smug that I've been out of debt (except my car ... that doesn't count) for four years. But now I've made a sizeable contribution to the $2.5 trillion consumer debt level.

You can thank me later.

The house

Here's the Flickr link to the house photos.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/23348805@N08/

It's changed considerably since these photos were taken and I'll add more later.

I decided I'm tired of waiting for Jeff to finish so I'm doing more and more myself. And I find it extremely satisfying. I added moulding to the baseboards in the hallway last week and only went through 12 feet of wood until I figured it out. Even made some 45-degree cuts with a miter saw.

Had to pull some electrical outlets out from behind the sheetrock in the dining room so I could mount the faceplates. Shocked myself twice. Strangely pleasant. Don't know what that says about me.

Space + time

Caren and I talked last night and decided we need to slow down.

We love each other, no doubt.
And we have fun, yes.

But we're getting too comfortable.

Not that comfortable is bad. But we feel like we've skipped over 'dating' and jumped right into a more serious relationship.

I'm not ready for it. Caren isn't ready for it.

So after this weekend, we're not going to sleep together every night. We're going to:

Sometimes meet for a beer at Gman or The Bush after work.
Taking a boxing class two nights a week.
Go to movies.
Meet at the park to rollerblade (her) and run (me).

It's the right thing to do. Don't want to rush this.

Just want some time to heal.

This too shall pass

It's been a hard couple of days.

Been thinking about Liz alot. I miss her. Deb is having a birthday party of Brenda this weekend and she asked if I would come if Liz was there.

No.

She wasn't invited but Deb said 'you guys are going to have to get over this. You have the same friends and you're making us choose.'

No.

The choice is simple: Invite us both, let me know and I will always choose not to be there.

So that stayed on my mind much longer than it should. Then I got a call from our former mortgage company who wanted to get my address to send the final escrow check. And of course that added to it.

Sometimes I can't believe I have my own house and I live there without Liz. That she has never kissed me in it or cooked with me or watched TV with me.

And then there's Caren. She's stayed with me every night for the past two weeks. We had a talk last night and I told her that, although I love her being with me, it's too soon for us to spend this much time together.

I want the excitement of dating.
Meeting for a drink after work.
Being picked up for a date.
Spending the weekend together.

I don't want us to lapse into a routine and it's evident that we are in one. Or close to it. I need some alone time in my house, getting comfortable and making my own happiness. Don't want to hold onto to her when I'm sad about Liz. If I wake in the middle of the night and find that I want to cry about what's lost, I want to do so without using the pillow to muffle the sounds.

I'm scared that no matter how happy I become or how successful I am in forgiving myself and living in the present, there will always be a void ... and it will be Liz.

Admission

Three days into the new year and already my No. 1 resolution has been put to the test.

Went to Starbucks near the office Wednesday afternoon with my friend Monique and, lo and behold, sat Liz and her new girlfriend (and child).

I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. We turned and left (after Liz turned around, looked at me (and I probably looked sticken ... I certainly felt like I did) and turned back around.

Monique walked around downtown with me for awhile until the tears stopped and I could breathe again. It was a very painful moment.

I think I finally got it that she just really wasn't into me. That when she told me that she was fucked up and wasn't good for me right now really meant she didn't want to be with ME. I've suspected as much but Wednesday afternoon was confirmation.

I was pretty much a wreck for the rest of the day and evening. Caren held me that night and just let me feel whatever I needed to feel. No talking. Just comforting.

Yesterday the word had filtered out to my friends at work. (Telegraph, telephone, tell-a-Monique) The word 'insensitive' was freely passed around.

I've come to the realization that, yes, I will always love Liz. We had an amazing 13 years. Problems? Yes. But so much more love and discovery and joy that one person could ever expect from one lifetime.

But she is so proud of the person she is now. So proud that the thought of being my partner brings fear that she will return to the person she was. (Her words, not mine) I have to say I liked the person she was (whatever that means) more than I like the person she is now.

Yes, she is insensitive. And self-absorbed. And unfeeling. And shallow.

And not the kind of person I want in my life.

So I slipped a little Wednesday ... crawled out a bit Thursday and will hold my head up today.

Because today I have friends who love me, a woman who adores me, a dog who is glued to my side, a new house to work on and a new job that has brought me financial and personal gains.

That is my today.

At last

So 2007 comes to end in just under 8 hours from now.

I started the year grieving the loss of a relationship, spent the middle part of the year dancing with Liz and will end it celebrating with someone who really wants to be with me.

I will make some resolutions this year. Didn't last year. Maybe that's what messed with my mojo, huh?

Resolution 1: Live in the now. Appreciate what I have, not what I don't have or what I've lost.
Resolution 2: Get the weight off. I have this white shirt and faded jeans I'd love to get into again.
Resolution 3: Forgive myself.
Resolution 4: Don't forget resolution 1.

Have a safe and happy New Year's Eve.