Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Long distance
After much talking, tears and support, Caren applied for a Corps of Engineers job in Galveston ... about a 4 hour drive from here. Her parents are long-time government employees and apparantly that helps get your foot in the door.
Nothing to get upset about now. We'll see where it goes. But I'm very proud that she is making decisions based on her life and not mine.
Nothing to get upset about now. We'll see where it goes. But I'm very proud that she is making decisions based on her life and not mine.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Elusive yet attainable
I've re-read the last post about Caren probably 50 times since I wrote it a little over a month ago. And I'd like to say the relationship continues to soar toward the next step in our journey. But I can't.
The truth is I fear we've reached as far as we're going to go. And that's what we've been grappling with for a few weeks now. Both of us.
Caren is still not working. I still carry the financial burden in the relationship and that's not something I'm comfortable doing.
She is loving school and is doing so well. I know one day she'll find her true calling but it's at least a year away. I put too much pressure on her, she says.
I'm sure I do.
You don't look at life the same at 53 as you did at 28. My professional life is reaching the end; hers is trying to start. We find ourselves not having anything to talk about outside of our feelings, which we do so well. Better than I have done with anyone. But her experience pool is shallow; mine is not.
I no longer have the confidence that this is the one for me. But it is the one who has helped me open my heart again, and for that, I will be forever grateful.
The truth is I fear we've reached as far as we're going to go. And that's what we've been grappling with for a few weeks now. Both of us.
Caren is still not working. I still carry the financial burden in the relationship and that's not something I'm comfortable doing.
She is loving school and is doing so well. I know one day she'll find her true calling but it's at least a year away. I put too much pressure on her, she says.
I'm sure I do.
You don't look at life the same at 53 as you did at 28. My professional life is reaching the end; hers is trying to start. We find ourselves not having anything to talk about outside of our feelings, which we do so well. Better than I have done with anyone. But her experience pool is shallow; mine is not.
I no longer have the confidence that this is the one for me. But it is the one who has helped me open my heart again, and for that, I will be forever grateful.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
What a difference a year makes
This time last year, Liz and I were in Mexico hoping to reconcile. What we came away with was a realization that despite the unparalled love we have for one another, we couldn't bridge the differences and fears five years of separation had created.It was a very tough lesson to learn. One that I still struggle with even to this day.
But what I have on this morning of my 53rd year, is the love and adoration of a beautiful and kind woman. A woman who understands that the memories of 13 years is hard to let go of yet believes that I will find a way to do exactly that.
The irony of it is the more she believes in me, the more she opens her arms and comforts me, the more she kisses my tears away, the more I do believe, the more I let go, the more I turn to her.
I love you, Caren. The pain of this past year lessens every day I spend with you.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
I went on vacation and a hurricane broke out
Caren and I spent Labor Day weekend in New Orleans.And so did hundreds of gay boys, LSU fans, the National Guard and Hurricane Gustav.
It turned into a working weekend. I went armed with a FlipVideo camera and a laptop and posted to our hurricane blog before the 'real' team showed up.
Strange being in the French Quarter with windows boarded up and the only sounds are coming from generators and a bad Journey cover band.
I did manage to have a little fun. Got my first lap dance at the Larry Flynnt Barely Legal club. Found where the Corps of Engineers were hurriedly dumping sand in HESCO sand baskets at the Industrial Canal (which breeched and flooded the Lower Ninth Ward). Was asked if I was interested in a three-way with this guy and Caren. 'No? Well, can I watch then?' Uh, no. Was told that if we didn't leave our hotel by 11 a.m. Sunday, we would be taken to an evacuation center. Slept in the New Orleans airport Saturday night.
The photo posted is of me standing on the HESCO baskets after begging the corp dude for a hard hat.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Fitting the pieces
Liz and I went to Zambrano's after work tonight to wash the taste of the day out of our mouths.
We each had two glasses of wine ... I had a Napa Valley Riesling and she had a Napa Valley Pinot Noir. We shared a cheese and meat tray.
We have put boundaries on 'relationship' talk. I don't want to know about hers, and, well, I don't want her to know about mine. But I did open up about something.
I told her I thought she treated me badly last year when we were dating. That I believed she wanted me to feel the way she felt when we separated five years ago, when she loved me so much that would have done anything to get back together with me, and I wouldn't give her a chance.
I know how that feels now and I told her so. I think she's always wanted me to feel that kind of loneliness and helplessness. I don't believe she did it intentionally but I do think she was still angry with me and it just happened. I told her that I forgave her but I'm not sure I have forgiven myself for all of the bad shit I put her through in the course of our relationship.
I don't want to have these kind of talks with Liz every time we're together. Tonight just seemed to be the right time.
We each had two glasses of wine ... I had a Napa Valley Riesling and she had a Napa Valley Pinot Noir. We shared a cheese and meat tray.
We have put boundaries on 'relationship' talk. I don't want to know about hers, and, well, I don't want her to know about mine. But I did open up about something.
I told her I thought she treated me badly last year when we were dating. That I believed she wanted me to feel the way she felt when we separated five years ago, when she loved me so much that would have done anything to get back together with me, and I wouldn't give her a chance.
I know how that feels now and I told her so. I think she's always wanted me to feel that kind of loneliness and helplessness. I don't believe she did it intentionally but I do think she was still angry with me and it just happened. I told her that I forgave her but I'm not sure I have forgiven myself for all of the bad shit I put her through in the course of our relationship.
I don't want to have these kind of talks with Liz every time we're together. Tonight just seemed to be the right time.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Social networking
I've been humiliated by Monique.
Left out of conversations.
Felt like a relic from the past.
So I did it.
I created a Facebook page.
I know, I know ... said I'd never do it, uh-huh, not me. It's a time suck and darn addicting.
But MySpace? Never!
Left out of conversations.
Felt like a relic from the past.
So I did it.
I created a Facebook page.
I know, I know ... said I'd never do it, uh-huh, not me. It's a time suck and darn addicting.
But MySpace? Never!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
5 years and waiting
They broke up about the same time Liz and I did.
She told him she couldn't go through with it about a week before the wedding.
It was painful watching him deal (and not deal) with it in front of friends and coworkers ... it was hard to see him in my office with tears in his eyes trying to wrap his head around it.
He went to counseling and it seemed to help. He eventually started dating again and learned to let her back into his life from time-to-time. We shared our frustrations over countless numbers of beers and closed-door counseling sessions in my office.
She was doing what Liz was doing to me. Come here, go away, come here, go away. We shared ways to cope with the heartache, bragged about who we were dating, sure that we both had moved past the breakup.
And then we reached this conclusion at about the same time ... or least vocalized it at the same time: we would always be in love with our exes.
He gave me a lot of support when Liz and I started dating again. He told me that they were starting to date again, too. And he asked me to keep it to myself. And I did.
Liz and I didn't make it but they continued, taking small steps forward and sometimes one or two back. But they continued. And continued.
He pulled me into his office last week and, with a smile and tears glistening in his eyes (and mine), told me they were getting married in the fall. Probably not a big wedding and maybe just the two of them.
Dreams do come true.
She told him she couldn't go through with it about a week before the wedding.
It was painful watching him deal (and not deal) with it in front of friends and coworkers ... it was hard to see him in my office with tears in his eyes trying to wrap his head around it.
He went to counseling and it seemed to help. He eventually started dating again and learned to let her back into his life from time-to-time. We shared our frustrations over countless numbers of beers and closed-door counseling sessions in my office.
She was doing what Liz was doing to me. Come here, go away, come here, go away. We shared ways to cope with the heartache, bragged about who we were dating, sure that we both had moved past the breakup.
And then we reached this conclusion at about the same time ... or least vocalized it at the same time: we would always be in love with our exes.
He gave me a lot of support when Liz and I started dating again. He told me that they were starting to date again, too. And he asked me to keep it to myself. And I did.
Liz and I didn't make it but they continued, taking small steps forward and sometimes one or two back. But they continued. And continued.
He pulled me into his office last week and, with a smile and tears glistening in his eyes (and mine), told me they were getting married in the fall. Probably not a big wedding and maybe just the two of them.
Dreams do come true.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
How hot is it?
This is when I hate this state.
It's so hot, I have to run at 7 a.m. and even then it takes 30 minutes to stop sweating once I finish.
It's so hot, my dog is going through 2 bowls of water a day ... and he's an inside dog.
It's so hot, my front yard is hard and crunchy and I don't care because it's too hot to stand out there and water.
It's so hot, when I come in the house after work I'm freezing and the temperature is 82 in the house.
It's so hot, I sleep under a ceiling fan, thermostat on 76 and a box fan.
I'd trade you July and August in Texas for three months in Rochester winter.
It's so hot, I have to run at 7 a.m. and even then it takes 30 minutes to stop sweating once I finish.
It's so hot, my dog is going through 2 bowls of water a day ... and he's an inside dog.
It's so hot, my front yard is hard and crunchy and I don't care because it's too hot to stand out there and water.
It's so hot, when I come in the house after work I'm freezing and the temperature is 82 in the house.
It's so hot, I sleep under a ceiling fan, thermostat on 76 and a box fan.
I'd trade you July and August in Texas for three months in Rochester winter.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Catch up, not ketchup
Has it really been since April? What a slacker.
OK, take a deep breath, sit down, shut up and hold on. I'm going to give you the short version.
times are very bad in newspaperland and the mothership laid off one of my best friends at the s-t. caren and i went to big bend for a hiking breastfest3 and i dangled my size 6.5's at 7500 feet over the south texas desert. back to work and for the second quarter, we lay off (volunteer and otherwise) many more. lost another one of my best friends. liz and i are talking, hell, even drinking together every now and then. nothing to it don't go there. but we admitted that we aren't complete without one another. she's off in facebook land doing her thing and i'm nesting in my house, thinking of ways i can survive early retirement. one word: mexico. my mom had a slight stroke and i've been helping dad and my siblings care for her. i cook on sundays and take food over. she's doing great and we convinced dad that he needs to continue his volunteer work at the hospital. my car is paid off and first paycheck went to .... drumroll, please, a new bedroom set. zak attacked a cat. cost me 1100. shit. caren and i are muddling through. i like my life. she likes hers. she bought me sheets today. in some lesbian relationships that's akin to a proposal. but not this one. her book convention is at the end of the month in phoenix and she bought me a ticket. her book, let it shine, is coming out in october, I think. then we're going to a gay, end of summer fete in new orleans at the end of august. southern decadence.
i guess that a wrap ... exhale.
OK, take a deep breath, sit down, shut up and hold on. I'm going to give you the short version.
times are very bad in newspaperland and the mothership laid off one of my best friends at the s-t. caren and i went to big bend for a hiking breastfest3 and i dangled my size 6.5's at 7500 feet over the south texas desert. back to work and for the second quarter, we lay off (volunteer and otherwise) many more. lost another one of my best friends. liz and i are talking, hell, even drinking together every now and then. nothing to it don't go there. but we admitted that we aren't complete without one another. she's off in facebook land doing her thing and i'm nesting in my house, thinking of ways i can survive early retirement. one word: mexico. my mom had a slight stroke and i've been helping dad and my siblings care for her. i cook on sundays and take food over. she's doing great and we convinced dad that he needs to continue his volunteer work at the hospital. my car is paid off and first paycheck went to .... drumroll, please, a new bedroom set. zak attacked a cat. cost me 1100. shit. caren and i are muddling through. i like my life. she likes hers. she bought me sheets today. in some lesbian relationships that's akin to a proposal. but not this one. her book convention is at the end of the month in phoenix and she bought me a ticket. her book, let it shine, is coming out in october, I think. then we're going to a gay, end of summer fete in new orleans at the end of august. southern decadence.
i guess that a wrap ... exhale.
Monday, April 14, 2008
CAUTION: Sappy love song
Heard this on TV last week and thought I'd share it.
Still have a lump in my throat. Especially the words:
The gate that I shut, last time I got hurt
Seems to have opened itself
Oh the world it's spinning now, it's trying catch me up
Tell me to appreciate, here and now
Still have a lump in my throat. Especially the words:
The gate that I shut, last time I got hurt
Seems to have opened itself
Oh the world it's spinning now, it's trying catch me up
Tell me to appreciate, here and now
Friday, April 11, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Tell me
That I shouldn't think just because I'm told she's unhappy that it's true.
That it doesn't mean she wants me back.
That I shouldn't go to her blog.
That if I go there, I'll be hurt again.
That if she wants me, she knows where I am.
That she doesn't think of me 'like that' anymore.
That I need to go on.
That I need to quit thinking about her being unhappy.
That it's not about me.
That it's not about me.
That it's not about me.
That it's not about me.
How I stop loving her.
That it doesn't mean she wants me back.
That I shouldn't go to her blog.
That if I go there, I'll be hurt again.
That if she wants me, she knows where I am.
That she doesn't think of me 'like that' anymore.
That I need to go on.
That I need to quit thinking about her being unhappy.
That it's not about me.
That it's not about me.
That it's not about me.
That it's not about me.
How I stop loving her.
La problema
Dad and I left the ballpark in the top of the 7th inning yesterday.
The Rangers were behind 6-0 and we didn't want to get into bad traffic. The Cowboys stadium is being built nearby and construction has roads blocked, rerouted and generally f*ed up.
That gave me plenty o' time to meet Brenda at Esparza's in Grapevine for some girl talk. And, boy, did we talk.
She and Deb are having problems (what's new) and she doesn't think they can work through it (what's new). Deb is a control freak (what's new) and Brenda is angry about it (what's new). Brenda has a problem with Deb's parenting skills with her 18- and 22-year-old daughers (what's new). Think the last straw with Brenda was when the oldest daughter announced she was pregnant with boyfriend (what's new), left him for girlfriend (what's new), had a miscarraige (what's new), left girlfriend (what's new) and announced she really didn't have a miscarriage after all (that's new).
Can honestly say I question the moral fiber of someone who lies about losing a baby just to get rid of baby daddy.
Anyway, I see nothing but doom and gloom for those two. Brenda's unhappiness is mounting. But I will stand beside her, as usual.
Oh, and she told me Liz is very unhappy, which I know is burying the lede here. I got a little wrapped up in that news until I realized her unhappiness doesn't mean she wants me back. Just means ... well, I don't know but I'm not going down that road.
OK, maybe a little down the road but not around the corner.
The Rangers were behind 6-0 and we didn't want to get into bad traffic. The Cowboys stadium is being built nearby and construction has roads blocked, rerouted and generally f*ed up.
That gave me plenty o' time to meet Brenda at Esparza's in Grapevine for some girl talk. And, boy, did we talk.
She and Deb are having problems (what's new) and she doesn't think they can work through it (what's new). Deb is a control freak (what's new) and Brenda is angry about it (what's new). Brenda has a problem with Deb's parenting skills with her 18- and 22-year-old daughers (what's new). Think the last straw with Brenda was when the oldest daughter announced she was pregnant with boyfriend (what's new), left him for girlfriend (what's new), had a miscarraige (what's new), left girlfriend (what's new) and announced she really didn't have a miscarriage after all (that's new).
Can honestly say I question the moral fiber of someone who lies about losing a baby just to get rid of baby daddy.
Anyway, I see nothing but doom and gloom for those two. Brenda's unhappiness is mounting. But I will stand beside her, as usual.
Oh, and she told me Liz is very unhappy, which I know is burying the lede here. I got a little wrapped up in that news until I realized her unhappiness doesn't mean she wants me back. Just means ... well, I don't know but I'm not going down that road.
OK, maybe a little down the road but not around the corner.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Dad and I
Today's the Rangers' home opener (yay!!!) against the Baltimore Orioles (boo!!!).
My dad and I started going to home openers way before the new ballpark was built in 1994. Then my brother wanted to go. Then my sister. And my nephews. For three years, we rented a suite but the past few years the team priced us out.
My brother got us tickets from a ticket broker (re: scalper) last year but. they. sucked. It was 55 degrees with a chilly north wind. Our seats were at the back of the outfield and a cold wind beat us up all day.
So this year I decided to get back to basics and take my dad. Just us.
For his 86th birthday in March, I bought tickets in the section and row that for many years we had season tickets. An easy walk from the parking lot. Down one row.
Every year I wonder if this will be the last year my dad will be steady and healthy enough to go to the home opener. I can't imagine doing this without him. Can't imagine not seeing the tears in his eyes when the B-1 bombers fly over the stadium after we sing the national anthem. (I can, however, imagine not cringing when he starts talking loudly about how much he despises George Bush! Yikes.)
But today is the day I'll add yet another beautiful memory of my dad. And I won't think about next year.
My dad and I started going to home openers way before the new ballpark was built in 1994. Then my brother wanted to go. Then my sister. And my nephews. For three years, we rented a suite but the past few years the team priced us out.
My brother got us tickets from a ticket broker (re: scalper) last year but. they. sucked. It was 55 degrees with a chilly north wind. Our seats were at the back of the outfield and a cold wind beat us up all day.
So this year I decided to get back to basics and take my dad. Just us.
For his 86th birthday in March, I bought tickets in the section and row that for many years we had season tickets. An easy walk from the parking lot. Down one row.
Every year I wonder if this will be the last year my dad will be steady and healthy enough to go to the home opener. I can't imagine doing this without him. Can't imagine not seeing the tears in his eyes when the B-1 bombers fly over the stadium after we sing the national anthem. (I can, however, imagine not cringing when he starts talking loudly about how much he despises George Bush! Yikes.)
But today is the day I'll add yet another beautiful memory of my dad. And I won't think about next year.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Should it really be this hard?
Caren and I have had a less than great two days.
We had a big argument at the boxing match we went to see Thursday night. Guess what about? Liz.
She said she knows when I'm thinking about her.
I pull away.
I'm not as loving.
I told her we talked about this before we started dating. That it was going to take some time to get past my many years with Liz. I told her a 13+ year relationship isn't comparable to a 4-year relationship (like she had) and that it takes time to get over.
She said she's tired of living in her shadow.
We didn't stay together Thursday night. Both of us too mad to want to cozy up to one another. But it started again Friday night.
Once more she started in on 'no one will ever live up to Liz' standards' and 'you don't love me like I love you.' So I snapped.
I told her NEVER to talk to me about Liz. That I was trying harder than I've ever tried to get past this. That no matter how hard she tries, she'll never understand what it takes to get over someone who has been such a big part of your life for such a long time. I told her I liked where we are and if she kept pushing me to feel something I don't feel right now or to 'get over it', she's not going to like the result.
And I meant it. Caren has a long way to go before she's in any position to win me completely over.
She has to finish school
She has to hold a job.
She has to financially contribute to this relationship.
Maybe this is what happens when you're involved with a much younger person.
Maybe this is what happens when you're wanting to give someone something that you've already given another.
We won't see each other until Thursday night or Friday. And I looking forward to the peace.
Relationships. I just don't remember it being this hard.
We had a big argument at the boxing match we went to see Thursday night. Guess what about? Liz.
She said she knows when I'm thinking about her.
I pull away.
I'm not as loving.
I told her we talked about this before we started dating. That it was going to take some time to get past my many years with Liz. I told her a 13+ year relationship isn't comparable to a 4-year relationship (like she had) and that it takes time to get over.
She said she's tired of living in her shadow.
We didn't stay together Thursday night. Both of us too mad to want to cozy up to one another. But it started again Friday night.
Once more she started in on 'no one will ever live up to Liz' standards' and 'you don't love me like I love you.' So I snapped.
I told her NEVER to talk to me about Liz. That I was trying harder than I've ever tried to get past this. That no matter how hard she tries, she'll never understand what it takes to get over someone who has been such a big part of your life for such a long time. I told her I liked where we are and if she kept pushing me to feel something I don't feel right now or to 'get over it', she's not going to like the result.
And I meant it. Caren has a long way to go before she's in any position to win me completely over.
She has to finish school
She has to hold a job.
She has to financially contribute to this relationship.
Maybe this is what happens when you're involved with a much younger person.
Maybe this is what happens when you're wanting to give someone something that you've already given another.
We won't see each other until Thursday night or Friday. And I looking forward to the peace.
Relationships. I just don't remember it being this hard.
Monday, March 31, 2008
The L Word
Showtime's 'The L Word' has caused many butt-squirming moments for me this season.
Bette and Tina broke up last season.
Tina was with a man.
Bette was with a woman.
But this season, they found their way back to each other and it's caused some very uncomfortable Sunday nights on my couch.
Caren has been visibly shaken by the storyline and I've done everything I can to keep her from seeing the tears in my eyes.
It was this line spoken by Bette as she broke up with Jodie to be with Tina that really hit home:
"There has been something missing for me. Something that is hard to define. And I have been desperately trying to create this thing... But I have been just flailing. And I realize now that you and I were never going to find it...Because I have it with someone else."
I wonder if Liz is watching it, too?
Bette and Tina broke up last season.
Tina was with a man.
Bette was with a woman.
But this season, they found their way back to each other and it's caused some very uncomfortable Sunday nights on my couch.
Caren has been visibly shaken by the storyline and I've done everything I can to keep her from seeing the tears in my eyes.
It was this line spoken by Bette as she broke up with Jodie to be with Tina that really hit home:
"There has been something missing for me. Something that is hard to define. And I have been desperately trying to create this thing... But I have been just flailing. And I realize now that you and I were never going to find it...Because I have it with someone else."
I wonder if Liz is watching it, too?
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Inspiration
So I know this is about 2 years old but it's the first time I've seen it.
And it gave me chills.
And it gave me chills.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Realization
Caren is moving back in with her parents until she gets out of school. She has a journalism degree but is getting another one in international business.
And the job she's applying for, and probably will get, is M-Th, 2-10p.m.
I support what she's doing. She isn't making any money now, her dad is paying her expenses and her rent is $500/mo. If I was her dad, I'd suggest she move back home, too.
What does this mean for us?
Not a lot of good.
Not a lot of bad.
Just a bunch of unknowns.
We won't be seeing as much of each other. We decided that she'd stay with me Friday-Sunday. She won't be living around the corner ... she's moving about 30 minutes away. And working in Dallas, which is 40 minutes away.
Not exactly 'meet me for a beer after work' neighborhood.
This will be challenging for us. And I can't say that I'm positive that it will turn out OK.
I love Caren. She loves me. But I really wish I was with someone who already was knee-deep in their career, worked the same hours as me and had nearly the same earning power as I do. I want a relationship that is moving toward cohabitating. Caren and I won't live together until she gets out of school and starts to make money. That's over a year from now.
I don't know if I can wait that long.
And the job she's applying for, and probably will get, is M-Th, 2-10p.m.
I support what she's doing. She isn't making any money now, her dad is paying her expenses and her rent is $500/mo. If I was her dad, I'd suggest she move back home, too.
What does this mean for us?
Not a lot of good.
Not a lot of bad.
Just a bunch of unknowns.
We won't be seeing as much of each other. We decided that she'd stay with me Friday-Sunday. She won't be living around the corner ... she's moving about 30 minutes away. And working in Dallas, which is 40 minutes away.
Not exactly 'meet me for a beer after work' neighborhood.
This will be challenging for us. And I can't say that I'm positive that it will turn out OK.
I love Caren. She loves me. But I really wish I was with someone who already was knee-deep in their career, worked the same hours as me and had nearly the same earning power as I do. I want a relationship that is moving toward cohabitating. Caren and I won't live together until she gets out of school and starts to make money. That's over a year from now.
I don't know if I can wait that long.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
I can't
stop thinking.
about.
liz.
oh, god.
please stop this.
hasn't it been long enough?
don't i know the answer?
what is the lesson?
haven 't i hurt(her.me.us) enough?
i.
love.
you.
so.
much.
live in today.
live in today.
live in today.
live.
about.
liz.
oh, god.
please stop this.
hasn't it been long enough?
don't i know the answer?
what is the lesson?
haven 't i hurt(her.me.us) enough?
i.
love.
you.
so.
much.
live in today.
live in today.
live in today.
live.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Rainy days and Tuesdays?
Caren has been staying with me for nearly two weeks. We took a one night break last week but then I took Wednesday-Friday off to attempt to complete my kitchen. She's asleep in my bed now with Zak by her side.
I'm in my office watching the steady rain fall. I love to watch the rain. Love to sleep with it falling on the deck outside my room. Last night, we slept with the window slightly open so it would lull us to sleep. It's tempting to go back to bed for another hour ... the sky is dark and the rain is heavy.
I've been thinking about Liz again lately. Missing her, really. I wonder if she feels the same? My counselor told me something must of happened in my past that resulted in me having a hard time letting go. I think she's full of it.
I think what happened in this case is that I fell in love 17 years ago. And I screwed it up time and time again. I had several chances to change the course of our relationship in the past four years and I couldn't pull the trigger. So here I am now, caught in this web of longing, wishful thinking, memories and guilt.
If I hadn't begun to concentrate on living in the present, these kind of thoughts would send me into a tailspin. But today I'm able to think about it, let it wash whatever feeling it elicits over me, and go on.
I'm not perfect.
I make mistakes.
I made a huge one that cost me the love of my life.
I learned.
And I love once more.
I'm in my office watching the steady rain fall. I love to watch the rain. Love to sleep with it falling on the deck outside my room. Last night, we slept with the window slightly open so it would lull us to sleep. It's tempting to go back to bed for another hour ... the sky is dark and the rain is heavy.
I've been thinking about Liz again lately. Missing her, really. I wonder if she feels the same? My counselor told me something must of happened in my past that resulted in me having a hard time letting go. I think she's full of it.
I think what happened in this case is that I fell in love 17 years ago. And I screwed it up time and time again. I had several chances to change the course of our relationship in the past four years and I couldn't pull the trigger. So here I am now, caught in this web of longing, wishful thinking, memories and guilt.
If I hadn't begun to concentrate on living in the present, these kind of thoughts would send me into a tailspin. But today I'm able to think about it, let it wash whatever feeling it elicits over me, and go on.
I'm not perfect.
I make mistakes.
I made a huge one that cost me the love of my life.
I learned.
And I love once more.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
$5500
The governor of New York has been accused of being involved in a prostitution ring. The Web site of the ring, Emperors Club VIP, displays photographs of scantily clad women with their faces hidden. It also shows hourly rates depending on whether the prostitutes were rated with one diamond, the lowest ranking, or seven diamonds, the highest. The most highly ranked prostitutes cost $5,500 an hour, prosecutors said.
Wonder what the soon-to-be-ex-governor's soon-to-be-ex-wife is more pissed at? The embarrassment of her husband getting caught with a hooker or the thought of him spending $5,500 an hour for a little sump'in, sump'in?
Now I've seen some porn in my life. And I have read many books with hot sex scenes. And I have a very vivid imagination.
But, for the life of me, what sex acts could be worth $5,500 an hour?
Damn, I've been giving it away for all these years ...
Wonder what the soon-to-be-ex-governor's soon-to-be-ex-wife is more pissed at? The embarrassment of her husband getting caught with a hooker or the thought of him spending $5,500 an hour for a little sump'in, sump'in?
Now I've seen some porn in my life. And I have read many books with hot sex scenes. And I have a very vivid imagination.
But, for the life of me, what sex acts could be worth $5,500 an hour?
Damn, I've been giving it away for all these years ...
Friday, March 7, 2008
Texas drivers
While I can certainly understand how days and days and days and days of gloomy skies and snow can affect a person's mood, it isn't all sunshine and blue skies here in the United State of Bubbaland.
Sunday, I was wearing shorts. Yesterday, I watched snowflakes as big as minivans fall to the street below my third floor office. This is where it's fun.
Texans don't know how to drive in this stuff. We don't have snow tires. Nor much of a street crew to put sand and/or salt on the roads. And it wouldn't really help anyway.
That's because Bubba loves him some pickup truck. And trucks don't have weight in the back. Some bubbas put a bale of hay in the truck bed just to get weight over the rear axle. Those are educated Bubbas. The driver of the truck pictured at left is not.
My friend put several bags of dry cement in her truck. But neglected to take it out when the snow melted. She had to enlist several friends to help her remove the hardened concrete in the spring.
Weekend forecast calls for mid-60s Saturday and Sunday. Wonder where I put those shorts?
Sunday, I was wearing shorts. Yesterday, I watched snowflakes as big as minivans fall to the street below my third floor office. This is where it's fun.
Texans don't know how to drive in this stuff. We don't have snow tires. Nor much of a street crew to put sand and/or salt on the roads. And it wouldn't really help anyway.
That's because Bubba loves him some pickup truck. And trucks don't have weight in the back. Some bubbas put a bale of hay in the truck bed just to get weight over the rear axle. Those are educated Bubbas. The driver of the truck pictured at left is not.My friend put several bags of dry cement in her truck. But neglected to take it out when the snow melted. She had to enlist several friends to help her remove the hardened concrete in the spring.
Weekend forecast calls for mid-60s Saturday and Sunday. Wonder where I put those shorts?
Monday, February 25, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Backsplash
The first tile I picked out for my backsplash was PERFECT ... but $42 sq. ft.
I need 30 sq. ft.
So I decided that I needed to be more, ah, prudent (cheap) and pick out a more sensible (cheap) tile.
And I found the PERFECT one ... but $37 sq. ft.
But I might have found a better solution at (drumroll please) $5.90 sq. ft.
Keep your fingers crossed. I'm checking out some squares Saturday.
I need 30 sq. ft.
So I decided that I needed to be more, ah, prudent (cheap) and pick out a more sensible (cheap) tile.
And I found the PERFECT one ... but $37 sq. ft.
But I might have found a better solution at (drumroll please) $5.90 sq. ft.
Keep your fingers crossed. I'm checking out some squares Saturday.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
A new twist
I woke up this morning to a trail of red rose petals leading to a dozen roses on my front porch.
*sigh*
Yes, this will be a happy Valentine's Day.
*sigh*
Yes, this will be a happy Valentine's Day.
Friday, February 8, 2008
45
Today is Liz's birthday. She's 45.
I met her when she was 28 and have loved her everyday since then. I remember how her birthday was such a big deal for me ... us. I'd wake up in the morning and run to the place where I hid her cards (one from me, one from the animals) and present. The cat, dog and me would lay next to her in bed while she opened everything.
On our 10th year of celebrating her day of birth, I drained my savings account and bought her a diamond cross. One year, I wrote her deceased mother a letter thanking her for raising such a tender, wonderful woman. Last year, I took her to a gourmet Mexican restaurant for a six-course meal and fine bottle of wine. Then we went to Bass Hall for a concert.
It was a lovely evening ... the first birthday I spent with her since we broke up four years ago. A night filled with hope and encouragement.
This is the first birthday since I've known her that I will not give her a card.
Or a present.
Or a phone call.
Happy birthday, Liz. You still have so much of my heart, even if you don't know it.
I met her when she was 28 and have loved her everyday since then. I remember how her birthday was such a big deal for me ... us. I'd wake up in the morning and run to the place where I hid her cards (one from me, one from the animals) and present. The cat, dog and me would lay next to her in bed while she opened everything.
On our 10th year of celebrating her day of birth, I drained my savings account and bought her a diamond cross. One year, I wrote her deceased mother a letter thanking her for raising such a tender, wonderful woman. Last year, I took her to a gourmet Mexican restaurant for a six-course meal and fine bottle of wine. Then we went to Bass Hall for a concert.
It was a lovely evening ... the first birthday I spent with her since we broke up four years ago. A night filled with hope and encouragement.
This is the first birthday since I've known her that I will not give her a card.
Or a present.
Or a phone call.
Happy birthday, Liz. You still have so much of my heart, even if you don't know it.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
The sadness returns
It's been a hard couple of days.
Liz was the onsite editor at the Fort Worth Stock Show. Three weeks of not seeing her on a daily basis was good for me.
But she came back Monday and we continued the avoidance. Then I had to work late Tuesday night for the primaries and I left for several hours in the afternoon to run errands, take care of Zak, etc. When I returned at 8 p.m., she had left me an email. My hands actually shook as I was opening it.
Her niece Marissa had the baby but it isn't great news. The baby was in fetal distress ... apparently he pooped and peed before they could get him out and there is a big concern that he might be blind. He also had a seizure and they aren't sure what the long term ramifications are to that. She also told me she had lunch with my sister, nephew and his wife and that she missed talking to me but hoped things were going well professionally and personally.
My heart broke and I had to close my office door while I sobbed uncontrollably. I love her so deeply and I love her family just as much. I so much want to be there but know I can't.
I've either been on the verge of tears or just flatout crying since Tuesday night and I don't know when this will stop or what it will take. I just have to remember that it's over and nothing, no amount of tears, begging or wanting is going to change that.
I have good friends.
I have a good woman who loves me.
I have a great house. A challenging job.
And that is going to have to be enough for me.
Liz was the onsite editor at the Fort Worth Stock Show. Three weeks of not seeing her on a daily basis was good for me.
But she came back Monday and we continued the avoidance. Then I had to work late Tuesday night for the primaries and I left for several hours in the afternoon to run errands, take care of Zak, etc. When I returned at 8 p.m., she had left me an email. My hands actually shook as I was opening it.
Her niece Marissa had the baby but it isn't great news. The baby was in fetal distress ... apparently he pooped and peed before they could get him out and there is a big concern that he might be blind. He also had a seizure and they aren't sure what the long term ramifications are to that. She also told me she had lunch with my sister, nephew and his wife and that she missed talking to me but hoped things were going well professionally and personally.
My heart broke and I had to close my office door while I sobbed uncontrollably. I love her so deeply and I love her family just as much. I so much want to be there but know I can't.
I've either been on the verge of tears or just flatout crying since Tuesday night and I don't know when this will stop or what it will take. I just have to remember that it's over and nothing, no amount of tears, begging or wanting is going to change that.
I have good friends.
I have a good woman who loves me.
I have a great house. A challenging job.
And that is going to have to be enough for me.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Propping up the economy
So I spent Saturday at Ikea and Restoration Hardware doing my best to turn this economy around.
Doesn't matter how many lists I draw up or how many times I tell myself that I'm not going to try to do everything at once, I walk into these home places and am transformed into Paris Hilton. Or at least I think I'm carrying her credit card.
Someone needs to draw up a 12-step program for new homeowners that starts with 'thou shall not try to renovate more than one room at a time.' Or 'thou shall shop at Target or Walmart instead of Pottery Barn and Restoration Hardware.'
I opened my Mastercard bill Saturday and nearly had a stroke. I've been so smug that I've been out of debt (except my car ... that doesn't count) for four years. But now I've made a sizeable contribution to the $2.5 trillion consumer debt level.
You can thank me later.
Doesn't matter how many lists I draw up or how many times I tell myself that I'm not going to try to do everything at once, I walk into these home places and am transformed into Paris Hilton. Or at least I think I'm carrying her credit card.
Someone needs to draw up a 12-step program for new homeowners that starts with 'thou shall not try to renovate more than one room at a time.' Or 'thou shall shop at Target or Walmart instead of Pottery Barn and Restoration Hardware.'
I opened my Mastercard bill Saturday and nearly had a stroke. I've been so smug that I've been out of debt (except my car ... that doesn't count) for four years. But now I've made a sizeable contribution to the $2.5 trillion consumer debt level.
You can thank me later.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
The house
Here's the Flickr link to the house photos.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/23348805@N08/
It's changed considerably since these photos were taken and I'll add more later.
I decided I'm tired of waiting for Jeff to finish so I'm doing more and more myself. And I find it extremely satisfying. I added moulding to the baseboards in the hallway last week and only went through 12 feet of wood until I figured it out. Even made some 45-degree cuts with a miter saw.
Had to pull some electrical outlets out from behind the sheetrock in the dining room so I could mount the faceplates. Shocked myself twice. Strangely pleasant. Don't know what that says about me.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/23348805@N08/
It's changed considerably since these photos were taken and I'll add more later.
I decided I'm tired of waiting for Jeff to finish so I'm doing more and more myself. And I find it extremely satisfying. I added moulding to the baseboards in the hallway last week and only went through 12 feet of wood until I figured it out. Even made some 45-degree cuts with a miter saw.
Had to pull some electrical outlets out from behind the sheetrock in the dining room so I could mount the faceplates. Shocked myself twice. Strangely pleasant. Don't know what that says about me.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Space + time
Caren and I talked last night and decided we need to slow down.
We love each other, no doubt.
And we have fun, yes.
But we're getting too comfortable.
Not that comfortable is bad. But we feel like we've skipped over 'dating' and jumped right into a more serious relationship.
I'm not ready for it. Caren isn't ready for it.
So after this weekend, we're not going to sleep together every night. We're going to:
Sometimes meet for a beer at Gman or The Bush after work.
Taking a boxing class two nights a week.
Go to movies.
Meet at the park to rollerblade (her) and run (me).
It's the right thing to do. Don't want to rush this.
Just want some time to heal.
We love each other, no doubt.
And we have fun, yes.
But we're getting too comfortable.
Not that comfortable is bad. But we feel like we've skipped over 'dating' and jumped right into a more serious relationship.
I'm not ready for it. Caren isn't ready for it.
So after this weekend, we're not going to sleep together every night. We're going to:
Sometimes meet for a beer at Gman or The Bush after work.
Taking a boxing class two nights a week.
Go to movies.
Meet at the park to rollerblade (her) and run (me).
It's the right thing to do. Don't want to rush this.
Just want some time to heal.
Friday, January 25, 2008
This too shall pass
It's been a hard couple of days.
Been thinking about Liz alot. I miss her. Deb is having a birthday party of Brenda this weekend and she asked if I would come if Liz was there.
No.
She wasn't invited but Deb said 'you guys are going to have to get over this. You have the same friends and you're making us choose.'
No.
The choice is simple: Invite us both, let me know and I will always choose not to be there.
So that stayed on my mind much longer than it should. Then I got a call from our former mortgage company who wanted to get my address to send the final escrow check. And of course that added to it.
Sometimes I can't believe I have my own house and I live there without Liz. That she has never kissed me in it or cooked with me or watched TV with me.
And then there's Caren. She's stayed with me every night for the past two weeks. We had a talk last night and I told her that, although I love her being with me, it's too soon for us to spend this much time together.
I want the excitement of dating.
Meeting for a drink after work.
Being picked up for a date.
Spending the weekend together.
I don't want us to lapse into a routine and it's evident that we are in one. Or close to it. I need some alone time in my house, getting comfortable and making my own happiness. Don't want to hold onto to her when I'm sad about Liz. If I wake in the middle of the night and find that I want to cry about what's lost, I want to do so without using the pillow to muffle the sounds.
I'm scared that no matter how happy I become or how successful I am in forgiving myself and living in the present, there will always be a void ... and it will be Liz.
Been thinking about Liz alot. I miss her. Deb is having a birthday party of Brenda this weekend and she asked if I would come if Liz was there.
No.
She wasn't invited but Deb said 'you guys are going to have to get over this. You have the same friends and you're making us choose.'
No.
The choice is simple: Invite us both, let me know and I will always choose not to be there.
So that stayed on my mind much longer than it should. Then I got a call from our former mortgage company who wanted to get my address to send the final escrow check. And of course that added to it.
Sometimes I can't believe I have my own house and I live there without Liz. That she has never kissed me in it or cooked with me or watched TV with me.
And then there's Caren. She's stayed with me every night for the past two weeks. We had a talk last night and I told her that, although I love her being with me, it's too soon for us to spend this much time together.
I want the excitement of dating.
Meeting for a drink after work.
Being picked up for a date.
Spending the weekend together.
I don't want us to lapse into a routine and it's evident that we are in one. Or close to it. I need some alone time in my house, getting comfortable and making my own happiness. Don't want to hold onto to her when I'm sad about Liz. If I wake in the middle of the night and find that I want to cry about what's lost, I want to do so without using the pillow to muffle the sounds.
I'm scared that no matter how happy I become or how successful I am in forgiving myself and living in the present, there will always be a void ... and it will be Liz.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Admission
Three days into the new year and already my No. 1 resolution has been put to the test.
Went to Starbucks near the office Wednesday afternoon with my friend Monique and, lo and behold, sat Liz and her new girlfriend (and child).
I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. We turned and left (after Liz turned around, looked at me (and I probably looked sticken ... I certainly felt like I did) and turned back around.
Monique walked around downtown with me for awhile until the tears stopped and I could breathe again. It was a very painful moment.
I think I finally got it that she just really wasn't into me. That when she told me that she was fucked up and wasn't good for me right now really meant she didn't want to be with ME. I've suspected as much but Wednesday afternoon was confirmation.
I was pretty much a wreck for the rest of the day and evening. Caren held me that night and just let me feel whatever I needed to feel. No talking. Just comforting.
Yesterday the word had filtered out to my friends at work. (Telegraph, telephone, tell-a-Monique) The word 'insensitive' was freely passed around.
I've come to the realization that, yes, I will always love Liz. We had an amazing 13 years. Problems? Yes. But so much more love and discovery and joy that one person could ever expect from one lifetime.
But she is so proud of the person she is now. So proud that the thought of being my partner brings fear that she will return to the person she was. (Her words, not mine) I have to say I liked the person she was (whatever that means) more than I like the person she is now.
Yes, she is insensitive. And self-absorbed. And unfeeling. And shallow.
And not the kind of person I want in my life.
So I slipped a little Wednesday ... crawled out a bit Thursday and will hold my head up today.
Because today I have friends who love me, a woman who adores me, a dog who is glued to my side, a new house to work on and a new job that has brought me financial and personal gains.
That is my today.
Went to Starbucks near the office Wednesday afternoon with my friend Monique and, lo and behold, sat Liz and her new girlfriend (and child).
I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. We turned and left (after Liz turned around, looked at me (and I probably looked sticken ... I certainly felt like I did) and turned back around.
Monique walked around downtown with me for awhile until the tears stopped and I could breathe again. It was a very painful moment.
I think I finally got it that she just really wasn't into me. That when she told me that she was fucked up and wasn't good for me right now really meant she didn't want to be with ME. I've suspected as much but Wednesday afternoon was confirmation.
I was pretty much a wreck for the rest of the day and evening. Caren held me that night and just let me feel whatever I needed to feel. No talking. Just comforting.
Yesterday the word had filtered out to my friends at work. (Telegraph, telephone, tell-a-Monique) The word 'insensitive' was freely passed around.
I've come to the realization that, yes, I will always love Liz. We had an amazing 13 years. Problems? Yes. But so much more love and discovery and joy that one person could ever expect from one lifetime.
But she is so proud of the person she is now. So proud that the thought of being my partner brings fear that she will return to the person she was. (Her words, not mine) I have to say I liked the person she was (whatever that means) more than I like the person she is now.
Yes, she is insensitive. And self-absorbed. And unfeeling. And shallow.
And not the kind of person I want in my life.
So I slipped a little Wednesday ... crawled out a bit Thursday and will hold my head up today.
Because today I have friends who love me, a woman who adores me, a dog who is glued to my side, a new house to work on and a new job that has brought me financial and personal gains.
That is my today.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)